“I’m insulted!” ~ Robinson Cano

How hot was it? Nelson Cruz’s HGH melted.

On a blazingly hot 97 degree day in the Bronx caused by global warming climate change f*cking summer the Yankees battled the Seattle Mariners to a 2-1 victory.

It was CC Sabathia (4-8 5.25) against Constitutional Monarch Felix Hernandez (11-5 2.77).  It was the pitchers’ duel I had hoped for.  Both went six innings.  CC gave up one run on six hits while walking one and striking out seven (two looking) and Constitutional Monarch Hernandez allowed one run on five hits while walking three and striking out five (three looking.)  Neither figured in the decision.

It was scoreless until the top of the fifth.  Jesus “I eatta the donuts” Montero and Chris Taylor singled to begin the inning. After Mike Zunino sacrifice bunted out 1-2 to advance the runners Austin Jackson hit a 1-2 pitch for a single to score Jesus. (I always thought “Jesus Scores!” would be great headline,)  Would this be the inning the wheels fall off for CC?  Fortunately he got out of the inning with only one run by striking out the next two batters, Kyle Seeger and Robinson “I’m insulted” Cano.

1-0 Seattle after 4 1/2.

The Yankees tied it in the bottom of the sixth. Brett Gardner led off with a walk. After AROD struck out looking Teixeira singled allowing Gardner to move to third. Brian McCann then struck out swinging.  Carlos Beltran then hit a 1-0 single driving in Gardner.

1-1 after six innings.

Now in the old days of baseball both pitchers would be left in to finish the wonderful pitchers’ duel. But as this is the modern game (“Thou shalt not allow thy starting pitcher to start the seventh. It is an abomination to the Lord”) the bullpen was left to finish it out.

As it was 97 degrees and I was burning to a toasty crisp I debated whether to stay if it went into extra innings.  It’s an under-reported phenomenon but every year dozens of Irish explode when exposed to direct sunlight.

Fortunately Mark Teixeira came to the rescue and on a 1-2 pitch homered to right field. 2-1 Yankees after eight.

Closer extraordinaire Andrew Miller struck out two in a one-two-three ninth to record his 20th save as the Yankees beat the Mariners.

Notes on the game:

This was the hottest, most humid day in an otherwise mild summer. I of course was going to wear shorts.  However as I was putting them on the zipper busted.  I was forced to wear pants to Yankee Stadium as this photo shows.

Due to a court order I am forced to wear pants in strip clubs.

Now I know what you are saying. Manhattan Infidel.  I am sure you are used to walking around with your zipper down. Yes. But only in schoolyards and strip clubs.

Today’s game featured four ex-Yankees playing for Seattle.  Vidal Nuno who pitched 1 1/3 innings of relief for Seattle.  Jesus “I eatta the donuts and whatever you have” Montero who the Yankees traded for Michael Pineda, Austin Jackson who was traded for Curtis Granderson and of course Robinson “I’m insulted” Cano who was so insulted by the Yankees seven-year 189 million dollar offer he had to go to Seattle.  And he’s doing fantastic at Seattle (cough cough) in the second year of his ten-year deal.  I wonder what the over/under is on Cano finishing his ten years at Seattle.  I’ll have to ask my bookie.

It was Satan day at the Stadium.  Satan is the official angel of the Yankees.  The Yankees value their relationship with Satan and the first 18,000 fans in attendance were personally told by Satan that they will never amount to anything and they should just give up now.  While the message was a little rough it’s important that the kids know it while they are still young.

I refuse to call Felix Hernandez by his nickname of King Felix.  I fear he would use this power against the people.  Hopefully my new nickname of Constitutional Monarch Felix will catch on and he will be reminded that absolute power corrupts absolutely.  Or maybe he’s too busy having sex with groupies to care.

Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of

The dreams clash

and are shattered

I have tried to write paradise

Do not move

Let the wind speak

That is paradise

Let the gods forgive what I

have made

Let those I love

try to forgive what I have made

once again didn’t fire up the crowd.  Perhaps I should try some new heckles.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “I run a small business and I can’t wait to pay a fine for not buying insurance.”

That’s just racist. You hate Obama because he’s black!

L.T. of New York writes, “You are being too hard on A.P.  There is such a thing as principled opposition to President Obama.”

Racist!  I have called you a racist.  Therefore the debate is over.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “It’s a hot day.  I’m relaxing in my pool in my back yard.”

Racist!

L.K. of New Jersey also writes, “What the hell are you talking about?”

Your white privilege disgusts me.

Recommended reading material:

“Your 189 million dollar seven-year deal insults me and I like whores” by Robinson Cano.

Actually there is no book like that.  But there should be.

My record stands at 6-2 this year.  My next game is Tuesday August 4th against the Boston Red Sox.  And what does Boston do?  That’s right.  Bahstahn sawks cack!

Go Yankees!

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