Using a makeshift lathe I have constructed…….

Much in the news as of late, the humanitarian crisis on our southern border has defied the attempts of our politicians to solve it.  I have refrained from commenting on this until I had all the facts.  Then I remembered that as a member of the MSM facts are useless to me. So using my native intelligence and common sense that I am famous for I have devised a few plans for solving our border crisis*.

*Border crisis valid in continental United States only.  Do not attempt to solve the southern border crisis if you are taking nitrates for chest pain as it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure.  Always ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough to solve the southern border crisis.

Move the border

This plan is so common sense I’m surprised our rulers in Washington haven’t thought of it yet. The tens of thousands of refugees crowding the border are fleeing conditions in central America for a chance at a better life.  A better life provided by the chance to live in America. Now if we give Texas, Arizona and California back to Mexico these areas would soon revert to shithole conditions.  Hence no one would want to flee to the border. Why bother with the expense of paying human smugglers to bring you to the Arizona border if Arizona is part of Mexico?  That would be almost as useless as starting a blog to meet women.  Trust me on that one.

Build a suspension bridge

By constructing a suspension bride between our southern border and Canada, we will enable the undocumented refugee alien migrants to continue their journey to freedom.  Freedom in Canada.  Canada is a liberal, socialist country unencumbered by the United States’ history of oppression and racism.  I’m sure the central Americans would be happier in Canada anyway. Using best estimates it would take the migrants about two days in the back of a truck to get to Canada.  During this time they will have a chance to familiarize themselves with the customs of their new land such as hockey, Canadian bacon, Canadian rules football and ice trucking.

Construct a rudimentary lathe

If the first two options do not work I suggest constructing a rudimentary lathe.  As everyone is no doubt aware a lathe is a machine tool which rotates the workpiece on its axis to perform various operations such as cutting, sanding knurling, drilling or deformation to create an object which has symmetry about an axis of rotation.  The axis of rotation is key.  Using the lathe I propose turning the southern border around.  Imagine the look on the migrants’ faces when they reach the border only to have the border spin about 180 degrees placing them back in central America.  Note:  On the bright side this will also place them farther from Detroit.  (It’s for the children.)

Mick Jagger and David Bowie

Studies have shown that Mick Jagger and David Bowie together are quite effective in instilling nausea and revulsion.  Don’t believe me?  Take a look for yourself:

The horror! The horror!

Satisfied?  Well, are you? I had to take three showers after posting that video.  I suggest giant video screens at the border showing nothing but this.  The central Americans would soon flee, convinced that America is a decadent, dying culture that they should avoid at all cost.

Ignore the problem

And finally I suggest we simply ignore the problem until a Republican is in the White House. Then we can all have fun by calling him racist for not doing anything about our southern border.

These are my simple, cost-effective and common sense solutions to the humanitarian crisis on our border.  Any one of my suggestions should work.  And if you disagree with me you are racist.

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