Your 2014 Yankees: The Hideous and Involuntary Edition

“If a horse can’t eat it, I don’t want to play on it” ~ Dick Allen on artificial turf

The reclusive and mysterious blogger known as Manhattan Infidel is seen in this photo celebrating Carlos Beltran's grand slam

The reclusive and mysterious blogger known as Manhattan Infidel is seen in this photo celebrating Carlos Beltran’s grand slam

Fresh off winning three out of four against the Detroit Tigers, the Yankees welcomed the Cleveland Native Americans to the Stadium Friday night for the beginning of a three-game set.

The Yankees started recently acquired Esmil Rogers (2-0 5.16) while Cleveland relied on Trevor Bauer (4-7 4.52).  I know what you are saying:  Esmil Rogers?  What?  Well with 80 percent of our opening day starting rotation on the DL the Yankees are grabbing emergency spot starters.

The Native Americans got on the board in the top of the first.  Jason Kipnis led off with a double and later scored when Carlos Santana hit a line drive to center field.  1-0 Native Americans after a half inning.

The Yankees countered with five runs in the bottom of the first. Derek “Lend me your women” Jeter singled and moved to second after Jacoby Ellsbury walked.  Jeter then scored (but doesn’t he always score….wink wink) when Carlos Beltran singled to right field.  Brian McCann then walked to load the bases.  The next batter Chase Headley walked scoring Jacoby Ellsbury and sending Beltran to third and McCann to second.  Recently acquired from the hated Red Sox, Stephen Drew singled to center field scoring Beltran and moving McCann to third and Headley to second.  Martin Prado (also recently acquired on the trade deadline) singled home McCann and Headley.  5-1 Yankees after one.

In the top of the sixth after David Huff replaced Rogers, Michael Brantley on a 1-0 count hit a line drive double to left field.  After Santana stuck out David Murphy singled home Santana.  5-2 Yankees after 5 1/2.

The Yankees scored five times in the bottom of the sixth.  Ichiro Suzuki led off with a walk and then stole second.  Brett Gardner (and who would have guessed at the start of the season that in the first week of August he would be leading the Yankees in RBIs, home runs and batting average) then walked.  Jeter sacrifice bunted Ichiro to third and Gardner to second. After Jacoby Ellsbury was intentionally walked Carlos Beltran came to the plate and on a 1-2 count hit a grand slam into right field.  From my vantage point in the bleachers I was able to see the ball fall a few rows in front of me.  (Yes, that’s me in the light blue suit in the front row of the bleachers just above the “O” in the “” sign.)

Manhattan Infidel watches Beltran hit a grand slam

10-2 Yankees after six.

At this point it was already 10 pm and since I had to be up at 4:30 Saturday morning to go to work I went home, figuring the Yankees had the game safely in hand.  By the time I arrived at my fashionable residence and turned on the TV the score was 10-6 (The Native Americans scored four times in the top of the seventh.)  Fortunately Dellin Betances was able to get through the ninth without Cleveland crossing the plate.

Final score:  Yankees 10 Native Americans 6. Rogers got the win for the Yanks, pitching five innings and giving up one run on four hits while striking out three.  Bauer was the loser giving up five runs over 3 1/3 innings.

Notes on the game:

Baseball has turned into the interminable game.  Yes, television deserves its fair share of the blame but games have been televised for over sixty years and until twenty years ago you could still rely on a two to two and a half hour game.  Now games routinely go three (or in this case) four hours.  The first inning alone lasted almost an hour. How did this happen and how can we get back to two hour games?

Baseball is the most overmanaged game in existence.  Its beauty lies in its simplicity. No trick plays. No defensive coordinators.  Just nine men on a field and a batter trying to hit the ball where “they ain’t.”   Last night the Native Americans used seven pitchers and the Yankees six, making the pace of the game slower and more boring than the last two years of the Walking Dead.  And with that being said here are my proposals to speed up the game:

  1. Teams will be allowed only two non-injury pitching replacements per game.  A team may use more than that but if they do then they will be penalized an out.
  2. Batters will only be allowed to foul off three pitches per at bat.  If they foul off a fourth they are out.
  3. And most crucially, the “Time Balk.”  Once a pitcher gets the ball back from the catcher he has five seconds to throw to the plate.  If he takes longer baserunners will be allowed to advance.

I know what you are saying:  “Manhattan Infidel, these proposed rule changes are harsh and revolutionary.  And please put some pants on.”

Yes, they are harsh.  They are revolutionary.  But they would work. The scourge of interminable four hour games would be no more.  And I am not putting on pants.  Your bourgeois notions of respectability be damned!  Harrumph!  Can I get a harrumph?

Manhattan Infidel’s heckle of the game:

My heckle of “Women should not be enlightened or educated in any way.  They should, in fact, be segregated as they are the cause of hideous and involuntary erections” didn’t fire up the crowd.  Once again I was beaten by the bleacher creatures who were offended by my war against women.

Reader mail:

A.P of Poughkeepsie writes, “Will my hideous and involuntary erections handicap my career?”

Unless you are a porn star or a corporate V.P who naturally expects underlings to sleep with you the answer is yes.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I get a hideous and involuntary erection every time I deejay a party. This can be embarrassing especially when it’s for children.  What can I say?  Music excites me.”

You might want to try a field where there is no music.  If that is not possible I suggest you consider wearing very baggy pants to conceal your hideous and involuntary erection.

Someone known as L.T. of New York writes, “Reading your blog gives me a hideous and involuntary erection.  And I have a vagina!’

Um.  What?

Recommended reading material:

My Hideous and Involuntary Erection Took My Baby Away by the Ramones.

Note:  There is no such book as that.  But there should be.

My record this year is 3-6.  My next game is Wednesday August 20th against the Houston (pronounced How-ston) Astros.

Go Yankees!



5 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    Let’s go Mets!!!
    Note* When does New Dehli file a protest with the UN against the racist Cleveland franchise?

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      Muck the Fets!

      I hear that the Cleveland Indians are considering changing their name to the Cleveland Pakistanis.

  2. “Baseball has turned into the interminable game. ”

    Imagine if the Yankees played cricket.

    If the team from Cleveland are the “Native Americans” does that make the Yankees the “Native UnAmericans”?

  3. Petermc3 says:

    Los Chankees (Hudson County , NJ Hispanic community pronunciation), Los Yankees son Gringos.

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