Your female genital mutilation will be paid for!

ISIS, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, announced today that it will be introducing universal health care in areas under their control.

“The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria” began the statement “are pleased to announce that all Muslims will have access to free, universal healthcare.”

We do this because the prophet wants us to.  Under our caliphate, believers in the prophet can go to any hospital, office or goat-filled cave to have their medical needs met. This means that women will no longer have to worry that they will not be able to afford their female genital mutilation.  You will no longer have to live with the shame of being a wild, hip-thrusting woman.

The announcement that the heretofore feared Islamicists will take care of the health needs of those in its territory has modified their image dramatically.

“This is a game changer” said Secretary of State John Kerry.

This announcement shows that we have nothing to fear from ISIS.  They believe in the same things we do:  The rule of law, socialism and the right that every human being has to universal health care.  We welcome ISIS into the family of nations. These are people the United States can work with in the middle east peace process. Would that Israel would follow their lead.

Under the provisions in the Islamic Affordable Care Act (commonly known as “Behead the Infidel Care”) provinces captured by ISIS will set up health exchanges.  Muslims can then go online, or after the internet is banned, to their nearest hospital and sign up for healthcare, which is mandatory.  Those who do not sign up will be fined or taxed, depending on how one interprets the 10,000 page bill.

“We have to institute the Islamic Affordable Care Act so we can see what’s in it” said the head of ISIS’s legislature.

The Democratic-controlled senate praised today’s announcement.

“ISIS has proved itself to be a tolerant, multicultural, Democratic movement” declared majority leader Harry Reid.

We hope to establish diplomatic relations with them soon, assuming we can overcome Republican obstructionism. By this one act ISIS has proved itself to understand democracy more than my Republican colleagues. I say this to shame those on the other side of the aisle. Hopefully they will look within themselves and see the error of their ways.  And as far as the female genital mutilation thing, at a certain point you have to ask yourself if you’ve thrust your hips enough.

Israeli reaction was typically what you’d expect from Zionists.  Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced that their policy towards ISIS will not change.

“They are still our enemy.”

The CIA however, was circumspect when discussing ISIS.

“Look none of us speak Arabic” said CIA director John Brennan.

Normally we don’t pay attention to the middle east.  We are too busy spying on Teabaggers.  We do have one translator and he’s still working on the document.  It may be about universal health care or it may be about pizza.  We don’t know yet. Personally I hope it’s about pizza.  I’m starving.

From Los Angeles where he was attending a fund raiser, President Obama lauded the institution of universal health care by ISIS.

“This is what the face of tolerance looks like.”

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