This actress will die soon.

Popular, successful and attractive actress Cheryl Hines signed her own death warrant over the weekend when she married environmental lawyer shakedown artist Robert Kennedy Jr., in a ceremony at the Kennedy compound in Hyannis Port.

Since the news broke we here at the world wide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel have been busy feeding information into our personally-owned IBM 704 Calculating Machine

A rare photo of Manhattan Infidel on yet another Saturday night without human companionship

to find out what will be the most likely death for Ms. Hines.  The results surprised even the home office.

• Natural causes

According to the IBM 704 Ms. Hines stands a scant three percent chance of dying of natural causes.  Unwilling to believe this I ran the program again.  After adding the following scenarios:

1. Shot
2. Stabbed
3. Shot and stabbed
4. Dead in a plane crash
5. Captured by aliens
6. Shot and stabbed after a plane crash before being captured and doing heroin in an alien holding facility

all of which technically would pass as a natural cause of death for a Kennedy woman, it was found that Ms. Hines stands a ten percent chance of dying of natural causes.

• Heroin Heroin Heroin

Her new husband, famous environmental lawyer living off Grandpa Joe’s money Robert Kennedy was a big fan of smack back in the day, having been discovered with his pants down, not breathing and covered in heroin while in an airplane bathroom back in the 1980s.  Will noted environmental lawyer scam artist that would make Al Sharpton proud introduce his bride to heroin in an attempt to relive the glory days of his youth?  As a complicating factor, Ms. Hines, being an actress, has probably already done heroin and will naturally have a tolerance for it.  Despite this, the IBM 704 has computed a 28 percent chance that she will die of an overdose.

• Buried alive in her new husband’s ex-wife’s grave

I must admit that this scenario surprised me at first.  Before I began my computations I considered this to be a two percent chance. But the IBM 704 says that there is a 45 percent chance that Ms. Hines will dies this grisly death.  After thinking about it and that fact that her husband is a Kennedy I have to concur with the IBM 704.  Most likely, Ms. Hines, hopped up on smack will be driven to the grave site by her husband who will hit her over the head with a shovel and dump her into the grave, which has been freshly un-dug by Kennedy compound help.  As to why noted environmental lawyer never held a real job Robert Kennedy Jr. would do this, perhaps he had hooked up with a younger woman and, being Catholic, felt a third divorce would be morally wrong.

• In an air pocket in the back of a limousine.

Hey, it’s the Kennedys. Even I didnt need the IBM 704 to calculate this.  Yes, Ms. Hines stands a 71 percent chance of dying in an air pocket in the back of her husband’s limo, her fingertips frantically clawing at the closed windows in a desperate attempt to stay alive.  Her last thought perhaps being, “I wish I could have lived so I could play myself in the TV movie recreating this scene.  I’d be a natural and would win an Emmy.”

But no matter what the cause turns out to be we can all agree on one thing:  Cheryl Hines will die soon.  I just hope her death doesn’t embarrass America’s royal family.

Reached in Hollywood, her agent told reporters, “I begged her not to marry him.  How am I going to get my 20 percent cut from her when she’s dead?”

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