Be my precious! My precious

Smeagol, formerly of the Shire,  and actress Maggie Lawson of USA’s Psych (pictured here)

He was so different than the other men I meet in Hollywood

have announced that they are ending their relationship.

 “I hoped it wouldn’t come to this” said Lawson.

At first everything was fine between us.  I was attracted to his confidence.  And his ability to catch fish.  He was so different than the men I would meet in Hollywood. Actors have no confidence.  And they suck at fishing.  But anyway we started dating. He was so sweet and shy.  And socially awkward.  But I thought that was because he had a blog.  I remember for our first date he took me to a seafood restaurant.  I had the Alaska smoked salmon. He had he halibut, which he insisted on eating raw. Afterwards when he was walking me home he called me his “precious.”  My eyes welled up and I said to myself, “This is the one for me.”  I was smitten.

The two were soon inseparable, attending events and award shows together.  They became known as the most unusual couple in Hollywood since Rosie O’Donnell and whatever living thing would agree to be seen in public with her.

But soon Smeagol’s jealousy reared its head.

He always wanted to know where I was going.  He would follow me to the set and make sure the other actors didn’t talk to me.  Once he punched Corbin Bernsen in the mouth and called him a stupid fat hobbit.  “Stay away from Maggie” he told him. “She’s mine.  We wants it.  We needs it.  Must have the precious!  They stole it from us.  Sneaky little hobbitses! Wickedy, tricksey, false!”  Well he was banned from the set after that and I had to apologize to Corbin.

Smeagol attempted to make it up to Lawson by writing a song for  her.

He told me it expressed his love for me.  He played it on his acoustic guitar.  It went, “The rock and pool is nice and cool, so  juicy sweet.  Our only wish to catch a fish. So juicy sweet.”  Then he took a fish out of his pocket and slammed it against some rocks.  I still don’t understand what the song had to do with our love, but I appreciated the gesture.

However soon after writing the song Smeagol asked Lawson to move with him to Mt. Doom.

“I don’t even know where that is” said Lawson. “I think it’s in Oregon.”

Afraid of the possible negative effect on her career if she moved, Lawson broke off with Smeagol.  It was then that Smeagol started texting her repeatedly.

I couldn’t concentrate.  He would send me texts with pictures of raw fish.  I took that a a Godfather-like threat.  He was trying to tell me that I would soon be sleeping with the fishes.  When he wasn’t doing that he was sending me texts that said, “And we wept, Precious, we wept to be so alone. And we only wish to catch fish so juicy sweet. And we forgot the taste of bread… the sound of trees… the softness of the wind. We even forgot our own name. My Precious.”  I felt sorry for him.  But my career comes first.

Since the breakup Lawson has been spotted around town with her Psych co-star James Roday.

As for Smeagol he has begun courting Rosie O’Donnell.

“She is my new precious” he told TMZ.

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