I will find you and I will kill you, Mr. Mayor.

The political world was shocked today as veteran action movie star Liam Neeson, threatened, tracked down, and beat up the mayor of New York City, Warren Wilhelm, Jr., (better known by his stage name of Bill de Blasio.)

The brouhaha started when Wilhelm, Jr. threatened to get rid of the carriage industry in New York City.

“We’re going to get rid of horse carriages, period” said Wilhelm, Jr., before being sworn in.

This angered Neeson, a friend of many of the Irish carriage drivers.

“I’ve been in the stables and I know many of these guys.  I hate how they are being attacked” said Neeson.

The action star then received a call from the new mayor, asking for a sit down.

“Come on Liam.  You know that horses should be roaming free.  They should be free-range horses.”

This angered Neeson, who called Wilhelm, Jr. a “chicken shit Kraut” for ordering the carriages off the streets.

Wilhelm, you’re a chicken shit Kraut who knows nothing about animals.  These animals are well treated.  The Irish carriage riders treat them very humanely.  You had better not take the horses away, because you know what happens if you do?  I have a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.  If you keep the horses on the street that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you. 

“Good luck” said Wilhelm, Jr before ending the call.

Enraged, Neeson then began to track down the freakishly large German.

Finding him at a construction site (formerly horse stables), Neeson wounded Wilhelm Jr’s armed bodyguards, grabbed the mayor and strapped him to a makeshift electric chair where he proceeded to torture him.

You know, we used to outsource this kind of thing. But what we found was the countries we outsourced to had unreliable power grids. Very Third World. You’d turn on a switch – power wouldn’t come on, and then tempers would get short. People would resort to pulling fingernails. Acid drips on bare skin. The whole exercise would become counterproductive. But here, the power’s stable. Here, there’s a nice even flow. Here, you can flip a switch and the power stays on all day.  Now, are you going to keep the horse carriages on the street?

After being tortured for several hours, Wilhelm Jr., relented and agreed.

Once it was known that the horses would stay on the streets, happy tourists and carriage drivers thanked Neeson for taking action.

Mayor Wilhelm Jr. was last seen running wild and free in an open field.

“Just like he should be” said a mayor-rights activist.

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