The Gospel of Barack Obama According to Chris Matthews (Part V)

And Barack shineth in the darkness

And Barack shineth in the darkness

After these things was the Oscars festival and Barack went up to Hollywood.

Now there is at Hollywood a theater called the Dolby.

In the Dolby lay a great multitude of Hollywood elite waiting for the envelope to be opened.

And there was a certain man there, Bruce Dern, who had never won an Oscar.

Him when Obama had seen him at the ceremony and knew that he had never won before and was very old.  He saith to him, Wilt thou win this year?

The infirm, elderly Bruce Dern answered him: Sir I am afraid that they are going to give it to a young man, perhaps Christian Bale.  For I am very old and would like to win before I die.

Barack saith to him:  Arise, take up your Oscar and walk, for I have issued an executive order giving you this award.

And immediately Bruce Dern was made whole.

Christian Bale said to him that had won the award:  It is not lawful for Barack to give you this award even if you are very old.  For I deserve to win.  I only want my fair share.

He answered him:  Barack gave me this.  And if you disagree with him you are racist.

Afterwards Barack findeth him at a post-awards party and saith to him:  Behold thou has your Oscar:  Retire now before you endanger your legacy by winning another Golden Raspberry award for worst actor. 

Therefore did Christian Bale grow very jealous because Bruce Dern had more than he did.

But Barack answered him:  The spirit of redistribution worketh until now; and I work.

Hereupon Christian Bale, Leonardo DiCaprio, Matthew McConaughey and Chiwetel Ejiofor, who did not get the Oscar sought the more to kill him because he redistributeth but not to them.

Then Barack answered and said to them:  Amen, amen I say unto you, Barack cannot do anything of himself, but what he seeth the spirit of redistribution doing.

For the spirit of redistribution loveth Obama:  and hath given all power and judgement to Obama.

That all men and women and transgendered may honor Barack as they honor socialism.  He who honoreth not redistribution honoreth not Barack.

Amen, amen I say unto you, that he who heareth my word and believeth in socialism is a good person and has passed from capitalism into eternal redistribution.

Amen, amen I say unto you, that the hour cometh, and now is when the dead shall hear the voice of the son of redistribution and they that hear shall agree to pay higher taxes.

Wonder not at this:  for the hour cometh, wherein all that are in the graves shall hear the voice of the son of redistribution.  For I like to give plenty of speeches.

And they that have felt good about themselves and supported redistribution shall come forth unto the resurrection of socialism; but they that believe in limited government and small taxes under the resurrection of the judgement of the capitalists.

I cannot of myself do any thing, for Republicans block my compassionate agenda.  I seek not my own will but the will of redistribution of wealth.

And the spirit of redistribution who hath sent me, hath given testimony of me.

And you have not his word abiding in you:  For whom he hath sent, him you believeth not but transfer your wealth offshore where the government cannot redistribute it.

But I know you, that you have not the love of wealth redistribution in you.

Think not that I will accuse you to the spirit of wealth redistribution.. There is one who accuseth you, Ezra Klein, in whom you trust and see on MSNBC.

For if you did believe Ezra Klein on MSNBC, you would perhaps believe me also:  for he wrote of me.

But if you do not believe his writings, how will you believe my many, many, many, many speeches?

(To be continued)



2 Responses

  1. May the Barack redistribute unemployment unto himself. Amen!

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