I am not Charlie Sheen!

Those of you who were watching the Superbowl like me were probably surprised to see Charlie Sheen doing a commercial.  Surprise turned to shock when I found out that it wasn’t in fact Charlie Sheen but Bob Dylan.

Bob Dylan?  The counterculture icon?  Doing a commercial for Chrysler?  That would be almost as bad as America voting for a socialist tyrant.  Twice.  Wait.  Never mind that actually happened.

Anyway, for my readers who may have missed it I now present Bob Dylan’s Superbowl commercial.  Weep.  Weep for America.

Is there anything more American than America?   Except for Canada of course.  Lots of good TV shows filmed in Vancouver.  It’s cheaper I guess. California has too many taxes.

You can’t import original.  Except to Canada of course.  Though technically that’s exporting original not importing.  Did I mention lots of good American TV shows are filmed in Canada.  Vancouver’s a nice town.  It rains a lot but there are less government regulations.

You can’t fake true cool.  Though I think Neil Young is pretty cool.  Did I mention he’s Canadian?  I don’t think he’s from Vancouver though.  I’ll have to look it up.

What Detroit created became an inspiration to the rest of the world. Except for the abandoned buildings, high crime and roaming packs of dogs. There aren’t any roaming packs of dogs in Vancouver.  I think Canadian dogs are too polite to do that.

Yeah.  Detroit made cars and cars made America.  Wait.  I’m doing a commercial for Detroit? Oh well.  As long as I get paid.

Making the best.  Making the finest takes conviction.  And you can’t import the heart and soul of every man and women working on the line.  Perhaps if the men and women working on the line moved to Canada they might have a better standard of living.  Seriously.  Canada’s just over the bridge people.

You can search the world over for the finest things.  But really you don’t have to search the world over.  Just drive across the bridge into Canada. 

You won’t find a match for the American road.  I drove on a German road once.  Did you know that 55 kilometers per hour is a lot faster than 55 miles per hour?  That’s why the cop stopped me.  My speedometer said 55.  It’s an honest mistake. And I’m not the only one who made it.  NASA crashed a billion dollar satellite into the surface of Mars because they did the same thing.  

I don’t think NASA is based in Canada.  But maybe if they were they wouldn’t have made that mistake.

You won’t find a match for the creatures that live on the American road.  I should know.  I’ve run over many.  Some are now extinct.  Critters should have moved to Canada.

When cars are made in Detroit they are made with the one thing you can’t import from anywhere else:  the decline and fall of American culture.  And rabid packs of wild dogs.  Though I think Albania might have rabid packs of wild dogs.  Someone said they do.  I don’t think Albania makes good TV shows.  Not as good as the American TV shows made in Canada.

So let Germany brew your beer.  They have good beer.  Let Switzerland make your watch.  I used to wear a watch.  I think Paul McCartney stole it.  I introduced him to marijuana and the f*cker steals my watch!

Let Asia assemble your phone.  We will build your car.  As soon as the government gives us a bailout.

Does anyone have Clint Eastwood’s phone number? He did a commercial for Detroit too.  I want to ask him how much he got paid.

I asked to be paid in Canadian money.  I haven’t received any yet.

I’m Bob Dylan and there is blood on the tracks.  Probably something I ran over in my Japanese car.

You know the Japanese have good game shows.  And it doesn’t rain as much as it does in Vancouver.

I wonder if his commercial will win any awards?  Probably not in America.  Maybe in Canada.

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