I’m an actor. Why is anyone surprised I’m an idiot?

Acclaimed actor Philip Seymour Hoffman was found dead in his Manhattan residence Sunday, the victim of an apparent drug overdose.

The academy-award winning idiot actor was found with a syringe in his arm and two plastic envelopes filled with heroin by his side.  The NYPD is tentatively calling it a drug overdose though many suspect a heart attack.

“He was a resident of Manhattan” said a neighbor.

I’m sure that what probably happened is that he found out how much he’d have to pay to buy a one-bedroom condo and his heart just exploded.  The last thing he said to me was, “I can’t believe how expensive it is to live here and can you get me some more heroin?  I’m out.”

Many of his friends expressed shock and grief at the news of his loss.

“I can’t believe he’s dead” said one.

I just sold him some heroin last week and he seemed fine.  Well except for not bathing for two weeks.  And he wasn’t able to form complete sentences.  And he offered to suck my dick for crack.  But other than that he was the same Philip I’ve known for years.

Another close friend was devastated by the news.

He had everything a person could ask for.  Talent.  Money.  Drugs.  I can’t believe he’d do something like die of an overdose.  He’s an actor!  One of the elite!  They are smarter than us.  They tell us what to believe and whom to vote for.  Maybe he killed himself on purpose to make a statement about the rise of the Tea Party?  I remember him telling me, “I’m worried about the Tea Party. They are extremists. And I’m out of heroin. Can you get me some?”

Indeed Hollywood seems to support the theory that Hoffman killed himself to protest the rise of right-wing extremism.

He told me last year, “I can’t believe the Republicans are going to shut the government down.  Don’t they care about the children?  I’m out of heroin. Do you know where I can buy some?”  Obviously he was worried about the direction America was going in.

With the Academy Awards just weeks away, many expect Hoffman’s death to cast a pall over the ceremony.  Said one presenter:

It won’t be the same without him.  It just won’t.  The next time I snort heroin off a male prostitute’s ass I’m going to do it in memory of Philip.

The Academy has announced that there will be a moment of silence at the ceremony to honor Hoffman.

“We’re going to ask all those in attendance to hold up their syringes in solidarity.  P Diddy is going to bring his gold-encrusted two million dollar syringe” said host Ellen Degeneres.

This will show the public that we are not just pampered and overpaid but that we care.

The Academy Awards will be held on Sunday, March 2nd.

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