Dateline April 19, 1775. Ye Olde New Yorke Times
We here at Ye Old New Yorke Times have just received word of a gun-inspired massacre of innocents in the colony of Massachusetts Bay.
How long must we be held hostage to Musket violence? We here at Ye Olde New Yorke Times used to content ourselves with the position that it was time to register all Muskets. That it was time to tax bullets.
But now we must change our position. The brave Regulars, the brave King’s Troops were needlessly cut down by a gang of wild musket owners.
And for what? All the troops wanted to do was check on a possible stash of non registered muskets held by non government forces.
Is there any reason for citizens to own muskets? We here at Ye Olde New Yorke Times say no! None whatsoever.
Lexington and Concord.
We’ll say it again.
Lexington and Concord.
How many more? How many more atrocities will the law-abiding, loyal citizens of the crown have to suffer?
How many more colleges? How many more classrooms? How many more street corners?
How many more?
Enough!
Demand a plan!
Right now!
As mothers. As fathers. As friends. As husbands. As wives. As human beings. As British subjects. For the children. Demand a plan!
No more lists of names of British soldiers killed by Colonials!
Now is the time to act before we all lose someone we love to musket violence.
No more lists!
It’s time. We can do better than this.
It’s time.
It’s time for our leaders in London to act.
Demand a plan. Right now. Enough.
Take back our colonies! End musket violence!
Remove muskets from private citizens!
Only the Crown and officially sanctioned Crown agents should be armed!
Demand a plan. Now!
The Editorial Board of Ye Olde New Yorke Times
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This just in: The Crown’s Governor of New York has proposed a compromise no reasonable citizen could reject. Colonists will be allowed to keep front-loading ball projectile muskets with a range of 50 yards or less for hunting purposes. All other firearms must be turned into the nearest location quartering soldiers of His Majesty’s army. If that’s your house, you will be levied a convenience tax.
This was beautiful. Huzzah to Ye Olde New Yorke Times for bravely coming out with this bold statement. You know who else should have guns?
The Journal News. They need armed guards. Not you and me. But Rockland County’s premier bird-cage liner dispensery needs protection.
LAS: Damn dirty English!
Shamus: Guns for the elite! Not for the working class!
Even then they blamed the tool instead of the fool.