Sports competitions have a way of uniting a people and supplying much needed pride.  Pride in one’s country.  Pride in one’s culture.  And with this in mind I would like to introduce my readers to the first annual “Gaza Strip Games.”

And without further adieu here is the list of events.

Dunk-a-Jew

This competition, loosely based on various dunking games, is one of the more popular.  In it a captured Israeli is placed on a retractable stage while Palestinians throw balls at a target.  If the target is hit the Israeli is plunged into liquid. Only in this case the liquid will be sulfuric acid not water.

The Catch-a-Jew-Marathon 

In this event Palestinians will jog 26 miles while chasing an Israeli to the border.  Ah, but is that all?  It sounds like a typical marathon.  Rest assured there is a twist.  The Israeli that is being chased will have both legs broken before the race ensuring that he will be caught.  The winner of the race gets to appear before the United Nations General Assembly to give a speech on the dangers of Zionism.

The Tour de Gaza Bike Race

Modeled after the Tour de France, the Tour de Gaza gives Palestinians a chance to ride bicycles around Gaza and promises to be a perennial favorite.

Note:  As of press time the entire Gaza Strip bicycle team has been taken out by a drone strike.  In place of the deceased Gaza Strip team Lance Armstrong will take their place.

“I want to prove that I can still win” said Armstrong.  “And the Palestinians don’t require a blood test.”

The Throwing Contest

Though baseball is not a popular sport in the Gaza Strip, this competition involves Palestinian youths throwing baseball-sized rocks at photos of Jews.  To add to the excitement the winner of the competition gets a tryout with a Major League baseball team, excluding the New York Mets.

“The Palestinians were quite adamant that the winner would not have to try out for the Mets” said an organizer.  “They consider the Mets to, how shall I put this, not be a Major League franchise.” 

The Drag an Israeli Behind a Motorcycle Race

And finally, perhaps the most popular event, this race gives Palestinians a chance combine their two favorite activities: driving Soviet-era motorcycles and dragging the body of a dead Jew behind them.  Interestingly the winner of this race will not be the first across the finish line but the one whose dead, dragged Israeli body will be most torn apart by the dragging.

The games should prove to be exciting.  Already there is talk that ESPN will provide coverage and it is rumored the Microsoft is interested in becoming the corporate sponsor.

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