Hollywood to Remake Casablanca

 Rick and Ilsa engage in heterosexual love

Seventy years after the movie Casablanca became an instant classic, Hollywood has announced plans for a remake.  While the roles have not been cast as of yet, I was lucky enough to look at the script, which I will recount here for my readers.

I spoke to a Hollywood producer who told me the movie will follow the original in all essentials except for some updates to make the movie more “relevant” for a modern audience.  The updates are as follows.

  • Rick is actually a Nazi sympathizer.

“The Nazis were socialists after all, and that makes them the good guys” said my source.

These two exchanges in the script highlight Rick’s disdain for uncouth America.  In the first one Rick discusses the German war machine:

 Major Strasser: Are you one of those people who cannot imagine Germans in their beloved Paris?

 Rick:  It’s not particularly my beloved Paris.

Major Strasser:  Can you imagine us in London?

Rick: Well England already has in place a socialist system so I don’t see the need.

Major Strasser:   How about New York?

Rick:  Hell yeah!  It’s time to arrest some bankers!

The second exchange shows Rick’s concern that his home country has lost its soul:

Rick:  If it’s December 1941 in Casablanca what time is it in New York?   I bet their asleep in New York.  I bet their asleep all over America in their pursuit of profit and capitalism!

  • Rick is worried about climate change:

Captain Renault:  What in heaven’s name brought you to Casablanca?

Rick:  My health.  I came here for the waters.

Captain Renault: The waters?  What waters?  We are in the middle of the desert.

Rick:  Goddamn global warming!  See, that’s another reason to hate America.  They rejected the Kyoto protocols!

  • Rick is concerned with the obesity epidemic in the world.

Rick:  Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine.  And orders a Big Gulp.  No wonder she’s put on weight.  

  • Rick and Captain Renault are lovers.

Rick:  Louie I think this is a beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Captain Renault:  It is.  I can’t wait to redecorate!

In addition to these updates, Signor Ferrari’s character, played in the original by Sydney Greenstreet will be arrested and executed by the Nazis for “pursuit of profit and crimes against socialism.”

And in one pivotal scene Sam, angered by Rick’s condescension and hatred of black people fights back.

I ain’t playing nothing for the man!

Rick:  You played it for her you can play it for me.

Sam:  F*ck you.  I ain’t playing nothing for Whitey no more!

Captain Renault’s character, played by Claude Rains in the original, will own an arugula farm and be a strict vegan.

“Casablanca is a classic” said a Hollywood producer. “So we decided to change nothing.  Except for the characters and script and all that.”

And there you have it.  I can’t wait to see the remake when it comes out.


5 Responses

  1. Yeah, yeah! It’s the same crap every where you look! They never change anything. They enhance. Right! And this is still America. Don’t make me laugh!

  2. innominatus says:

    This will definitely get Lindsey Lohan’s career back on track.

  3. Much of the French Resistance was Communist, so if in the remake they will make everyone a doctrinaire Stalinist, I won’t be surprised.

  4. I demand Britney Spears gets cast as Lindsey Lohan in the “Casablanca” remake.


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