The defeat of the Republican candidate for president was in large part due to the loss of the all-important Hispanic (or is it Latino?) vote.

Having spent the entire week since the election pouring over the available data moving the bodies from my crawlspace to a remote upstate location I now present my exclusive ten-point program to win the Latino (or is it Hispanic?) vote.

But first let me address a few words to my Hispanic (or is it Latino?) friends.  My Spanish is faulty so I apologize for butchering your fine language that has brought the world so much besides the Spanish Inquisition.

Why-o You-o No-o Vote-o for-o Us-o?

Anyway, on to my ten-point program.

Point One:

Burn their crops.

Studies have shown that burning the crops of a peon will have a dramatic effect on their vote.

Granted, most Hispanic in the United States live in urban areas so burning their crops might be difficult.  As a replacement I suggest burning their pit bull.

Point Two:

Get a Hispanic celebrity to endorse the Republican candidate.

Politics is as much about culture as anything else.  Hispanics will not vote Republican until they feel it is socially acceptable.

Therefore I have contacted legendary Hispanic celebrity Speedy Gonzales

and he has agreed to campaign for the Republicans in 2016.  I thank Speedy for his contribution and will now let him speak in his own words:

“The duck with the pistola seems to be tied up at the moment. So back to the Mexican Bandstand with nothing but twist music. Everybody twist!”

I believe what Speedy means is that we should all twist to the Constitution and a limited government.

Thank you Speedy.  You are a true patriot-o.

Points Three through Nine:

The numbers three through nine are racist and will not be included in my ten-pint point program.

You know what else is racist?  The NYPD for forcing me to move the bodies in my crawlspace to a remote upstate location.

There!  I said it!  I’m not afraid of the NYPD.  (Well, except for their small Hispanic female officers.  They are scary and I wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of one of them.)

Point Ten:

I don’t really have a point ten yet.  Between moving all the bodies from my crawlspace to a remote upstate location and doing my laundry I haven’t had time to formulate it yet.

But when I do, trust me.  It’ll be a good one.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have just made the unfortunate discovery that one of the bodies in my crawlspace is still alive.

Where the hell is my shovel?

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