It has been learned that President Obama will address the nation tonight at 8 pm to talk about the devastation wrought by Hurricane Sandy.  I have been  lucky enough to get a transcript of his speech so it’s a deal?  You’ll give me the speech and I’ll destroy the photos of Obama snorting cocaine? which I now present in full.

My fellow Americans and citizens of the world.

The past week has witnessed unparallelled nonman-caused devastation to our country.

Hurricane Sandy, and I’ll digress here just a moment to say that if reelected I will sign an executive order banning hurricanes from being named after women.  It’s all part of the Republican party’s war on woman, after all.

Where was I?  Oh yes.  Hurricane Sandy has devastated the east coast.  A coast populated by typical white people who cling to guns, religion and dry land.

For it is time to redistribute the seawater.

I have personally witnessed the devastation in Manhattan. Fortunately for Michelle and I, the Secret Service was able to set up portable generators so we could go on a shopping spree at Bloomingdales.  But the sight of the people without power saddened us as we flew away on Chopper One.

Funny story on that.  Michelle had bought so much stuff the helicopter was weighed down and couldn’t take off!  We had to ditch some handbags. And not just any handbags!  Those handbags cost $5000 each!

But we eventually took off and I saw all the flooding in lower Manhattan.

But you know that flooding?  You didn’t build that.

And I know that many are without electricity.

But at some point you have to ask yourself this:  Do you already have enough electricity?

But let’s get to the root cause of Hurricane Sandy.

I understand that the storm was caused by a youtube video that Muslims found offensive.

We have to ask ourselves, “Why this irrational attachment to the first amendment?”

We must pay heed to the objections of the international community to our Constitution – that document written by slave-holders.

There is none of this so-called freedom of speech in the Muslim world.  And that should be good enough for us.

And let’s talk about Global Warming.  Hurricane Sandy was caused by Global Warming.  There was never a hurricane before Global Warming took effect in the 1970s.  Let’s not quibble about the so-called “facts.”  I feel this to be true.  Hence it must be.

Electricity.  Indoor plumbing. Flush toilets. These all lead to Global Warming.

Those currently without electricity should ponder this.

Learn to live without.

Cart your waste to a common pit or use an outhouse. 

Michelle has graciously offered to donate one of her $5000 handbags for carting purposes.

And so my fellow Americans and citizens of the world, I like to close by saying, Allah bless and good night.

Wow.  This will go down as one of President Obama’s most compassionate speeches.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to do some carting.

It’s for the Earth.

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