North Philadelphia resident “Fat” Albert Jackson has launched a defamation of character lawsuit against popular comedian Bill Cosby.

The plaintiff is asking for 75 million dollars in damages done to his reputation and career by Mr. Cosby as well as a share of the profits from the Saturday morning children’s show “Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids.”  Said Mr. Jackson:

My life is ruined.  I can’t get a job.  I don’t know the touch of a woman.  All because of Cosby.  We used to be friends. How’d you like to be known as “Fat” Albert?  It’s cruel the way Cosby has taken advantage of me.

Mr. Jackson, in discussing his lawsuit, says that the decision to sue Cosby was not an easy one to make.

Cosby is, was, a friend of mine.  We grew up in North Philly together.  We hung out with the same group of friends.  Then he went off to college and we stayed in touch. One day he calls me up and say, “Al, I’m doing a TV show and you’re going to be one of the characters in it.” Naturally I was flattered.

Mr. Jackson then described his humiliation when the show premiered.

I had all my friend gathered around the television.  I was curious to see how I would be portrayed.   Naturally I knew Cosby would take some liberties with the truth but when I saw how I was drawn I was totally embarrassed.  And what’s with this “Hey hey hey, I’m Fat Albert” crap?  I’ve never called my self Fat Albert and no one else did before the show.  And I’ve never said “Hey Hey Hey” in my life.  I’m quite articulate actually.

The repercussions from the show were immediate.

I was fired.  My boss said he didn’t want the publicity.  I was dating a fine woman.  She left me because her friends would tease her about dating “Fat Albert.”  Hey, I have a glandular problem, alright?

Joining Mr. Jackson in the lawsuit will be fellow, and some say unfairly used, childhood friends Mushmouth

and “Dumb” Donald.

According to Mushmouth

Everyone wants me to talk like I have just been injected with Novocaine.  I used to do that at parties but the novelty has worn  off, okay?  I speak very clearly.  In fact I’m in a touring production of Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Pirates of Penzance right now.  Listen to me:  I am the very model of a modern major general.  

“Dumb” Donald  has even more pronounced grievances against Cosby.

I’m not dumb, alright?  I’m smart. Not  like people say.  And what the hell was I wearing on my head on the show?  I’ve never worn anything like that.  Only an idiot would wear that.

Mr. Cosby, through his lawyers maintains that the claims are “baseless” and has offered the plaintiffs Jello pudding as a settlement.

Kids these days, with their hippin’ and their hoppin’ and their bippin’ and their boppin’ and they put the jello in the pudding pop!

The three have rejected Cosby’s offer of Jello pudding.

“Bitch is gonna pay up” said Jackson.

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