By now my readers are probably aware of the new Barack Obama ad starring Lena Dunham in which she talks about her “first time” voting for Barack Obama and compares it to a first time sexual experience.

Naturally I was confused by the ad and what it was trying to accomplish. Voting for Barack Obama should be like a girl’s first sexual experience? And I thought 14 year old girls couldn’t vote.

But in the interests of fair play and the propagation of knowledge I now present in its entirety Lena Dunham’s “My first time” ad.

Your first time shouldn’t be with just anybody. Ideally it should be with the older man whose children you are babysitting for.  (I’m looking at you Joe Kennedy III!)

But failing that you want to do it with a great guy.  Or any guy who buys you a drink at 1 am on a Friday night.

It should be with someone who really understands and cares about women, like Ted Bundy.

It should be a man who will give you free abortifacients.  Or cigars like Bill Clinton.

You want to do it with a guy who brought the troops out of Iraq but didn’t send them to consulates under attack in Libya.

You don’t want a guy who says, “Oh hey I’m at the library studying” when really he’s problem solving or otherwise using his man thing in a patriarchal manner.

Or thinks that gay people should never have beautiful and complicated weddings like we see on Bravo or download from a pay-per-view site and watch behind closed doors in our underwear.

My first time with Barack Obama was amazing.  It’s like this line in the sand.  Before I was a girl.  Now I am a woman.

I went to the polling station, pulled back the curtain and there he was.  Barack Obama himself.  Riding a unicorn and showing off his manly body.

And Barack said, “Hey girl, you look like you need the gentle touch of an older man.”

And he touched me and my body quivered.  I felt his warm caresses all over me as he said, “Not for nothing, but I have oils, ya know.”

I didn’t know exactly what that meant.  I didn’t have time to ponder it because the next thing you know he was behind me and he was bending me over.  I said, “No, please not like this.  I don’t want my first time to be like this.”

And he said, “Relax.  Trust me.  I’m a President.”

And the next thing my dress was up over my head and I felt his man thing inside my anus.  And I started to cry.

He was laughing and spanking my anus as his man thing penetrated me again and again and he said, “Come on.  I know you like it.”

And then he invited Vice President Biden, Attorney General Holder and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to take turns with me.  I’ll never forget Biden’s goofy, toothy grin as he violated me.

And then it was all over.  I was crying and they were all getting dressed and laughing.

Then President Obama threw a twenty dollar bill on the dresser next to me and said, “Clean yourself up kid.  Get a cab home and don’t tell no one about this.”

I cried all the way home.  But he’s a Democrat so I guess it was okay.

My first time was with Barack Obama.  What about you?

And that’s the ad. I really have to go take a shower now.  A long one.  Lots of filth to be washed off.   And for those of you who haven’t seen the original ad, here it is in all its, um, well I don’t know what the hell it is:

Lena Dunham: Your First Time

Watch it and weep.  Weep for the youth of America.

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