Like many of you I was disappointed and saddened by the release of Hulk Hogan’s sex tape.  I was disappointed and saddened because its release might potentially flood the sex tape market.  And I have my own sex tape that I am proud to say will be released next week.

As a service to my readers I have provided a transcript of the entire 30 minute 2 minute 45 second sex tape.  I hope this summary will “wet your appetite” and you will buy the full sex tape when it becomes available.

25 seconds: [Unidentified female voice] Nice place you got here.  Lots of space.

31 seconds:  [Male voice identified as Manhattan Infidel] Thanks.  I’m so not filming this but can you sign this release form?

33 seconds:  [Unidentified female voice] Sure thing honey.  You’re a hot commodity.

36-52 seconds:  Sounds of clothing coming off.

53 seconds: [Male voice identified as Manhattan Infidel]  Fire in the hole!  No seriously.  Should it be inflamed like that?

56 seconds:  [Unidentified female voice]  Where’s your tan line?

58 seconds:   [Male voice identified as Manhattan Infidel] I spend a lot of time at nude beaches.  Okay I fell asleep under a tanning lamp.

One minute three seconds: [Unidentified female voice] Take off your do-rag, honey.

One minute ten seconds:  [Male voice identified as Manhattan Infidel] My hairline is vulnerable and silly looking without it.

One minute 12 seconds to one minute 30 seconds:  Sounds of unidentified female spitting and male voice identified as Manhattan Infidel singing “I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General.”

One minute 32 seconds:  [Male voice identified as Manhattan Infidel] Now we’re talking!  Fire in the hole!  No seriously.  What the hell is that?  Should it be moving?  That’s really freaking me out.

One minute 35 seconds:  [Unidentified male voice]  Anyone order pizza?

One minute 37 seconds: [Male voice identified as Manhattan Infidel] Great I’m starved.  Sorry I don’t have my wallet on me.  Would you like a tip?

One minute 39 seconds: [Unidentified male voice] Don’t touch me. What the – 

One minute 41 seconds:  [Manhattan Infidel and unidentified male voice in unison] Fire in the hole!

One minute 43 seconds:  [Unidentified male voice] Seriously dude that looks infected. Um, I’ll just let myself out.

One minute 50 seconds:  [Male voice identified as Manhattan Infidel] You don’t mind if I eat while you do that?  God I feel like a pig.  I just had some sashimi a half hour ago.

One minute 52 seconds to two minutes ten seconds:  Sound of munching, presumably from Manhattan Infidel eating pizza.

Two minutes 12 seconds:  [Male voice identified as Manhattan Infidel]: You don’t mind honey I invited a very special friend over to watch.

Two minutes 14 seconds:  [Unidentified female voice]  I like being watched!

Two minutes 15 seconds:  [Male voice identified as Manhattan Infidel]  Here he is now. Hi Wink!

Two minutes 19 seconds:  [Male voice identified as legendary game show host Wink Martindale] Hi Manhattan Infidel.  Thanks for inviting me to – fire in the hole!  Wow.  I haven’t seen anything so infected since I was cruising the Tenderloin district in Ceausescu’s Romania.

Two minutes 22 seconds:  [Male voice identified as Manhattan Infidel]  That does look infected doesn’t it?

Two minutes  25 seconds to two minutes 45 seconds: Sounds of sex to conclusion of sex act.

Two minutes 48 seconds: [Unidentified female voice] Thanks honey.  You rocked my world.  Fire in the hole!

Two minutes 51 seconds:  [Male voice identified as Wink Martindale] I’ll get the fire extinguisher. And I came here because you said it was a salute to the Tic-Tac-Dough game show, which I hosted.

Two minutes 54 seconds:  [Male voice identified as Manhattan Infidel] Oh grow a pair you son of a – Fire in the hole!

And that’s not all readers.  If you order my sex tape you get bonus features such as this hilarious outtake:

[Male voice identified as Manhattan Infidel]  What do you mean wrong hole?  [Sounds of laughter]

So please order my sex tape.  One third of all proceeds to the “Fire in the Hole Health Awareness Foundation.”

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