As an accredited member of the mainstream media it is my job to present the facts make stuff up that’ll harm Republicans.

And so I have no choice but to report this painful and shocking story.

The facts are these:  On Sunday morning Christian LaBella, a former congressional aide who never worked for Paul Ryan, was arrested in NYC on assault charges for allegedly grabbing and throwing Lindsay Lohan to the ground.

The charges were later dropped because they could not be substantiated.

Which begs the question:  Why?

Why were these serious charges against an innocent, Democratic Hollywood starlet dropped?

Could it be his nonconnections with Paul Ryan, a man he never worked for?

In addition to assaulting Lohan, did Christian LaBella also deny her access to free birth control? Is this all part of the Republicans’ “War on Women?”

These are also the facts:

LaBella’s first name is “Christian.”  Obviously having a first name as disgusting as that proves he hates women.  LaBella was once photographed with Republican Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan.  Ryan’s first name is Paul.  Most likely he was named after the apostle Paul, another notorious hater of women.  For as Paul said:

Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience.

So let us sum up the known facts:

LaBella, a man who has never worked for Paul Ryan, was not charged with a crime.

LaBella was once photographed with Paul  Ryan.

After being photographed with Ryan, Ryan whispered into LaBella’s ear, “I want you to knock Lindsay Lohan to the ground. Why? Because I hate women.”

Note:  As of the writing of this post there is no evidence that Ryan actually said that but it has the ring of Truthiness With a Touch of Mint™ to it.  I will continue to search for the evidence dear readers.

Paul Ryan hates women.

I have just received my free iPhone from President Obama.

These are also the facts:

Besides being photographed with Labella, Paul Ryan has also been photographed with such notorious women-haters as Jack the Ripper, Ted Bundy and Charles Manson. Remember, a vote for Romney is a vote for Ted Bundy!

There can only be one honorable thing left to do:  Romney should concede and drop out of the race.  And then Paul Ryan should be charged by The Hague for crimes against huwomanity.

Personally readers I haven’t been so outraged and appalled by a story since I found out that Burger King had decided to make healthier fries.  I don’t want to eat healthy fries. I want great tasting but filled with shit that’ll kill you fries.

I bet Paul Ryan was responsible for that as well.  The monster!

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