With the events of the past two weeks, the burning of embassies, the killing of Americans, bodies being dragged through the streets, I have begun to worry about the safety of you, my readers.  So using my expertise in software making shit up I have devised a handy “Muslim Outrage” guideline.  Read this for your own safety.  Because there is nothing I care more about than the safety of my readers.  Unless it’s Asian hookers.  But mostly I worry about the safety of my readers.  After my Asian hooker needs have been fulfilled of course.

Movies

Movies rate a 9.7 out of a possible 10 on the Muslim Outrage Scale™.

To keep the peace between Westerners and the Religion of Peace I propose that we stop going to movies.  It’s a small price to pay for multicultural harmony.  Among the movies that are must avoids are the following:

Titanic.   James Cameron’s 1997 blockbuster is know to cause riots in the Muslim world.  Why?  The iceberg is Jewish.

Casablanca.  Why does this classic Hollywood film offend Muslims so much?  It is set in Morocco after all.  Simple.  In the movie the Nazis are portrayed as the villains.  Yet the Nazis were the ones killing the Jews!  Obviously the film is a Zionist conspiracy.  And Humphrey Bogart had a Semitic nose.

Jesus of Nazareth  Now you may be saying, “Well I can see why that 1977 miniseries would cause riots in the Muslim world” but you’d be wrong.  The rioting and outrage caused by this have nothing to do with the portrayal of Jesus.  The miniseries stars James Farentino as Peter.  And Muslim have hated James Farentino since his portrayal of a lawyer in the TV series The Bold Ones with Joseph Campanella.

Indoor plumbing

Indoor plumbing is a sensitive subject in the Muslim world.  While many admire it and admit the many benefits of indoor plumbing, the fact remains that it is not mentioned in the Koran and there is no evidence that the Prophet used indoor plumbing. Hence it is a flash point of disagreement with the west.  I suggest that my readers not use indoor plumbing for a day out of solidarity with the Religion of Peace.

Vaccines

Medical vaccinations against diseases of all sorts might seem uncontroversial at first.  But look at the facts.  All doctors are Jews.  It logically follows that vaccinations are a Zionist plot against the Muslim peoples.  I suggest that all my readers not vaccinate their children against childhood diseases as a way of showing solidarity with the Arab spring.  Because remember:  Every time you vaccinate your child an American ambassador is killed and his body is dragged through the streets.  And his death is your fault, dear readers.

The Clitoris

The female orgasm is threatening to Muslims and must be abolished.  If you are a woman who is having an orgasm, or if you are a man who is bringing a woman to orgasm:  Stop.  Think.  Reflect on your actions.  We in the west let women have orgasms but that is because we are decadent.  In truth, all clitoris’ in the Arab world must be circumcised.  It is the only way to keep the multicultural peace.

Olivia Wilde

I know what you are saying.  “I had no idea Olivia Wilde causes rioting in the Arab world!”

Well she doesn’t.  There is no evidence that she does.  But I’d just like to point out that three and a half years into this blog Ms. Wilde has yet to contact me to express her undying love.

And that may make me riot.

And so in the interest of multicultural harmony with the Arab world I ask all my readers to avoid movies, indoor plumbing, the clitoris and medical vaccinations.

And if you see Olivia Wilde ask her if she got my texts.  (They’re all very artistic!)

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