The world was shocked yawned, not surprised, couldn’t give a shit when Kerry Kennedy, daughter of Robert Kennedy was arrested on Saturday for driving under the influence of drugs in Westchester County, New York.
I first wrote about the Kennedy Malfeasance Template (which I am in the process of copyrighting) in a February post:
I was scoffed at. “Manhattan Infidel” they would say. “Surely this is a one time event? You don’t actually think you’ll have to use it again?”
Scoffers! Who’s crying now? (Besides Kerry Kennedy?) I now present my revised, expanded and ever up-to-date Kennedy Malfeasance Template:
Breaking news: A Kennedy (no reason to beat around the bush) has been arrested for
- Leaving the scene of an accident
- Driving while intoxicated
- Driving while under the influence of drugs
- Digging up your brother’s ex-wife’s body and burying it elsewhere
- Murder
- Possession
- Mafia associations
- All of the above
- Most of the above
- The above list only contains the crimes we know about. Hell it’s a Kennedy. Who knows what else there is?
According to
- Local police
- State police
- Everyone else driving on the highway with her
- Everyone else driving on the highway with her and the visual evidence on their iPhones, iPods, smartphones etc.
- Satellites in orbit
- Common sense (this is a Kennedy)
Through her actions Kennedy endangered
- The person whose car she smashed into
- Everyone else driving on the road at that time
- Innocent bystanders
- Those within a five -mile radius
- Those within a 15-mile radius
- Anyone still alive
- The dead who haven’t been dug up and re-interred yet.
Kennedy’s lawyer’s are claiming total innocence on the following grounds:
- She’s a Kennedy
- She’s American royalty (see no. 1)
- Cut her some slack. He father was assassinated!
- Hello? Camelot! Duh!
- She’s a human right’s activist!
- Don’t let it be forgot that once there was a spot for one brief shining moment that was known as Camelot
- You do remember Camelot don’t you? Or are you one of those teabaggers?
Kennedy has
- Declared her innocence
- Declared her innocence in no uncertain terms
- Declared her innocence on constitutional grounds (She’s a Kennedy for Christ’s sake! Don’t you remember Camelot?)
- Declared her innocence because she’s a human rights activist
- Don’t let it be forgot that once there was a spot for one brief shining moment that was known as Camelot
- Declared her innocence due to emotional distress (you try digging up your ex sister-in-law’s body and re-interring it someplace else where her family won’t find it)
- Declared her innocence due to extreme emotional distress (her father was assassinated ensuring that the teabaggers would be successful in their attempts to kill Camelot)
The Mainstream Media will
- Cut her slack. She’s American royalty after all
- Play down the charges (Don’t we all drive while under the influence?)
- Talk about how Laura Bush killed a man while driving. She’s not even American Royalty or a member of Camelot.
- Come to her defense (Cut her some slack will you? Her father was assassinated)
- Look for evidence that teabaggers drive while under the influence
- Try their best not to report on the charges
And there you have it readers. My updated and ever relevant Kennedy Malfeasance Template (soon to be copyrighted by yours truly.)
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Infidel, this is a great service to the blogoshpere, if not humanity. No longer will people have to struggle with words to describe the latest Kennedy debacle.
Dude, if you don’t copyright this, I will!
What a time-saver. Brilliant work, homie.
Yaaaaaawning! Just another Kennedy. So what else is new?