Man Regrets Buying Shōbijin at Garage Sale


Local resident Bob Walker, 43, regrets his decision to buy two shōbijin (literally “small beauties“) at a garage sale.

I was originally going to buy his set of Monkees vinyl albums when I noticed this straw lunchbox like thing.  I asked what it was and he said he had a pair of shōbijin in it that he bought on Craigslist. I took a look inside and there were these two very small Japanese girls.  So I immediately bought them.  He seemed very happy to get rid of them.  I should have been suspicious of that.

Upon bringing his shōbijin home Mr. Walker found out why the previous owner was so eager to get rid of them.

The first thing they started to do was sing.  They kept singing the same song over and over and over again until the damn thing was stuck in my head.  I asked what it was.  They said it was the song they sing to summon Mothra.  Well before I even had a chance to ask what the hell a Mothra was I look outside my window and, Jesus Christ, there is this giant…..well I don’t know what the hell it was.  Some sort of moth or butterfly. Mothra rides for $20 dollars. Ride Mothra will you have the chance. So the damn thing lands on my front lawn.  It scared the crap out of me at first but the Shōbijin assured me that Mothra just wanted to help humanity.  So I figure there’s money in this Mothra.  I started charging the local kids 20 dollars to ride on his back.  I made a little money but that didn’t offset the costs of all the giant crap from this giant bug.  I had to hire some industrial cleaners to get rid of it.  And god did all that bug shit really stink.

Mr. Walker’s problems did not end with waste removal.

I couldn’t get the damn Japanese midgets to stop singing to Mothra.  So he kept showing up all hours of the day and night. I was asleep once and woke up and looked out my bedroom window and there was the damn peeping tom butterfly looking in the window at me.  That freaked me out.  So I put my foot down and told them to stop singing.  But by then it was too late because they had already uploaded the song on iTunes and my damn kids, who thought it was catchy, downloaded it and kept playing it.

Walker was also distressed by the Mothra larvae.

One day the midgets summoned Mothra and this larvae arrived. Slimy, slow moving and very destructive

Slow-moving and very very slimy.  He blocked the highway, slithered through power lines, pretty much destroyed the goddamn town and settled in my yard.  Slime and all.  He rests on top of my car so I call my boss and say “Hey, I can’t come to work there’s a giant larvae all over my car” and he says “Serves you right for buying a Chevy.”  I don’t know what to do.  If I miss any more days at work I’ll be fired.

At the end of his rope, Walker considered burning his house down for the insurance money.

I figured if I burned everything Mothra, larvae and all would go away.  But my lawyer said I would probably go to jail so I nixed that idea. So now I’m back to my original money-making idea.  I signed the midgets up for “America’s Got Talent.”  I’m their agent now.

When asked if he had advice to anyone who might be tempted to buy Shōbijin he said, “Yeah, don’t do it. Unless you like giant slimy creepy things.”

The Shōbijin will be making their America’s Got Talent debut in September.


4 Responses

  1. Could be worse. The smog monster could show up.

  2. innominatus says:

    If they don’t make it on America’s Got Talent, I hear that American Idol still needs a couple judges.

    “Help wanted. Must be able to discern talent, talk into camera without choking, and willing to clean up giant bug droppings.”

  3. I think I will invest in a very large supply of bug spray.

  4. Matt says:

    The smog monster would be bad news.

    However, maybe they could be given to OWS, it could be a showdown to see which is the most annoying.

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