The Higgs Boson: What it Means for Us

 The Higgs Boson:  Still cooler than Enrique Iglesias

Like everyone with an insatiable curiosity for Olivia Wilde science I have been following the news from CERN that they have may have discovered the allusive “God” particle known as the Higgs Boson during a high-energy particle accelerator experiment.  Like all of you I had many questions.  What is a Higgs Boson?  What does this discovery mean for the world of science?  Does it prove the Big Bang theory? What happened to my pants? Why did the gypsy say I was cursed? Whose blood is this? Whose finger is that?

Wanting to give my readers only the facts I immediately called respected physicist Stephen Hawking to ask him about Higgs Boson.  We talked for an hour about the discovery and what it meant for science.

Unfortunately I lost the extensive notes I took during the conversation the hooker stole my pants which had the notes so I will have to proceed from memory.  What follows is, to the best of my recollection, my conversation with Professor Hawking.  Again, I am recreating our conversation only from memory.  But I believe it is essentially accurate.

MI:  Good afternoon Professor Hawking.  The announcement of the possible discovery of the Higgs Boson must be exciting for you.

SH:  Definitely.  Definitely.  It’s a tremendous achievement that will go a long way towards furthering our understanding of the universe.

MI:  Do you like hookers?

SH: Who doesn’t?  Great sex and no messy emotional attachments.

MI:  What about Asian hookers?

SH:  My favorite of course.  I order them in two and threes usually.

MI:  How do you feel about transsexuals?

SH:  Take a walk on the wild side baby.

MI:  Ever kill a man?

SH:  When you’re a powerful man like I am you make enemies.  And enemies must be crushed.

MI:  Do you keep mementos of your victims?  Say a head in the refrigerator perhaps?

SH:  Right next to the beer.

MI:  Have you seen my pants?

SH:  Hooker steal them again?

MI:  Yes.

SH: That’s what a zipper is for son.  No need to take your pants off.  Just unzip and do you business.

MI:  I’ll remember that next time.  Anything else you’d like to tell my readers?

SH:  I was on the grassy knoll.  I shot JFK.

MI:  Okay.

SH:  I murdered OJ’s wife.  Sliced her throat back to the spinal cord I did. Bitch was stepping out on me.

MI: Any last things we should know about you?

SH:  My business is narcotics.  I have fields in Turkey, where they grow the poppy.  In Sicily I have a plant to process it into heroin.  I need cash and I need protection from the police. A powerful man with connections like you Manhattan Infidel can make this happen.  In return you get a piece of the action.

MI:  And what about the Tattaglia family?

SH: You let me worry about the Tattaglia’s.  I don’t like violence, Manhattan Infidel.  I’m a businessman.  Blood is a big expense.

MI:  You have a deal.  Oh, and the Higgs Boson?

SH:  It’s a great achievement.  A great day for science.

And that, to the best of my recollection, is my conversation with the brilliant physicist Stephen Hawking.


5 Responses

  1. Cool! I wonder if Hawkings was Jack the Ripper in a previous life? By the way, Higgs Boson is a pervert. Just thought you would like to know.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: Higgs Boson is misunderstood.

  3. Stephen Hawking gave us all some important advice there. A single tear dripped down my cheek as I finished this great man’s words. His insights into the Higgs-Boson are life-changing.

    And when I say “Higgs-Boson”, I mean “Asian Hookers”.

  4. Matt says:

    While hookers are clearly important, you should have asked him if the discovery will eventuall;y heal his anal leakage.

  5. I see it was another extensive and revealing interview MI. LOL.

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