Like everyone with an insatiable curiosity for Olivia Wilde science I have been following the news from CERN that they have may have discovered the allusive “God” particle known as the Higgs Boson during a high-energy particle accelerator experiment. Like all of you I had many questions. What is a Higgs Boson? What does this discovery mean for the world of science? Does it prove the Big Bang theory? What happened to my pants? Why did the gypsy say I was cursed? Whose blood is this? Whose finger is that?
Wanting to give my readers only the facts I immediately called respected physicist Stephen Hawking to ask him about Higgs Boson. We talked for an hour about the discovery and what it meant for science.
Unfortunately I lost the extensive notes I took during the conversation the hooker stole my pants which had the notes so I will have to proceed from memory. What follows is, to the best of my recollection, my conversation with Professor Hawking. Again, I am recreating our conversation only from memory. But I believe it is essentially accurate.
MI: Good afternoon Professor Hawking. The announcement of the possible discovery of the Higgs Boson must be exciting for you.
SH: Definitely. Definitely. It’s a tremendous achievement that will go a long way towards furthering our understanding of the universe.
MI: Do you like hookers?
SH: Who doesn’t? Great sex and no messy emotional attachments.
MI: What about Asian hookers?
SH: My favorite of course. I order them in two and threes usually.
MI: How do you feel about transsexuals?
SH: Take a walk on the wild side baby.
MI: Ever kill a man?
SH: When you’re a powerful man like I am you make enemies. And enemies must be crushed.
MI: Do you keep mementos of your victims? Say a head in the refrigerator perhaps?
SH: Right next to the beer.
MI: Have you seen my pants?
SH: Hooker steal them again?
MI: Yes.
SH: That’s what a zipper is for son. No need to take your pants off. Just unzip and do you business.
MI: I’ll remember that next time. Anything else you’d like to tell my readers?
SH: I was on the grassy knoll. I shot JFK.
MI: Okay.
SH: I murdered OJ’s wife. Sliced her throat back to the spinal cord I did. Bitch was stepping out on me.
MI: Any last things we should know about you?
SH: My business is narcotics. I have fields in Turkey, where they grow the poppy. In Sicily I have a plant to process it into heroin. I need cash and I need protection from the police. A powerful man with connections like you Manhattan Infidel can make this happen. In return you get a piece of the action.
MI: And what about the Tattaglia family?
SH: You let me worry about the Tattaglia’s. I don’t like violence, Manhattan Infidel. I’m a businessman. Blood is a big expense.
MI: You have a deal. Oh, and the Higgs Boson?
SH: It’s a great achievement. A great day for science.
And that, to the best of my recollection, is my conversation with the brilliant physicist Stephen Hawking.
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Cool! I wonder if Hawkings was Jack the Ripper in a previous life? By the way, Higgs Boson is a pervert. Just thought you would like to know.
Jim: Higgs Boson is misunderstood.
Stephen Hawking gave us all some important advice there. A single tear dripped down my cheek as I finished this great man’s words. His insights into the Higgs-Boson are life-changing.
And when I say “Higgs-Boson”, I mean “Asian Hookers”.
While hookers are clearly important, you should have asked him if the discovery will eventuall;y heal his anal leakage.
I see it was another extensive and revealing interview MI. LOL.