Taliban Execute Fozzie Bear!

Wocka wocka what the fuck?

Tragic news out of Afghanistan.  Fozzie Bear, well-known comic and best friend of show biz entrepreneur Kermit the Frog was executed by the Taliban while on a good-will tour of the country.

Mr. Bear was captured while doing a stand-up performance in the Shinwari district of Parwan Province, in central Afghanistan, less than a two-hour drive from Kabul.  Sources report that he had just uttered his trademark “Wocka Wocka” line when several masked Taliban fighters climbed up on stage and grabbed him.  Bear was heard to say, “Are you guys with the USO?  Is this about my fee?” as he was rushed off stage.

Fozzie Bear was not seen again until the Taliban released a video of his execution.

Wearing an orange prison jumpsuit Bear was surrounded by masked and armed Taliban fighters, one of whom was reading a statement that read:

In the name of the prophet Allah and all that is holy we now take the life of this infidel.  Killing a bear who is a comedian is Allah’s holy will. It is the order of God and now we carry out the punishment.

Mr. Bear then looked into the camera and said

I don’t think they are with the USO.  But then again they haven’t paid me so maybe they are?  And they can’t speak English so they might be from New Jersey.  Wocka Wocka!

It was when Mr. Bear uttered “Wocka Wocka” that the Taliban grabbed him and forced him to ground.  One fighter held his neck while another proceeded to slice his head off.

Mr. Bear was apparently unawares until the very end what fate awaited him.  His last words as the steel sliced through his flesh was, “Wocka Wocka…..what the fuck? Was it my jokes?  You guys are tougher than Statler and Waldorf.” You suck!

Bear’s bloodied and severed head, mouth agape and still wearing his trademark pork pie hat was then help up and shown to the camera while one fighter said “Praise be to Allah!  The talking bear infidel is dead!”

News of Bear’s execution rocked the Muppet community.  From his office in Burbank where he was putting the finishing touches on an all-muppet anti-war movie based on the life of physicist Robert Oppenheimer called “The Muppets take  E = mc2″ a clearly distraught Kermit the Frog told reporters:

Fozzie was my best friend.  I warned him not to go to Afghanistan.  Bush’s illegal war of aggression has destabilized that peace-loving country.  But all he wanted to do was make people laugh.  And he paid with his life.  Well we know who to blame – George Bush!

The response from the bear community was swift.  Smokey the Bear was quoted as saying:

A bear has been killed by the man!  My racial memories cry out for justice!  He was one of us!  Though I personally found him to be a jerk and didn’t think his jokes were funny, that’s not the point.  And I never saw him at any Bear social justice meetings.  But that’s not the point either.  No justice no peace!

There has been no word on whether Mr. Bear’s body will be able to be recovered.


6 Responses

  1. This is a tragedy. Fozzy was so dumb he made Kermit look smart. This may be the end for the muppets. Think about how many illegal immigrants learned English from watching Sesame Street.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: I just hope our government has the courage to retaliate against this provocation.

  3. All I know is that for a long time Yogi Bear has been pissed off that Fozzy ripped off his signature pork pie hat look. I’m not saying Yogi set up Fozzy. I’m not saying Yogi DIDN’T set up Fozzy either.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: I never trusted Yogi.

  5. I have to admit, I agree with the Taliban on this one. I’m not sure the explosion was fun to watch, though.

  6. Definitely Bush, isn’t obama still blaming Bush for everything. Heavens above, when will that boy grow up and become the man he thinks he is.

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