Dodge City Marshall Arrested for Running Prostitution Ring

 Marshall Matt Dillion’s career is in ruins

Federal Marshall Matt Dillon of Dodge City, Kansas has been arrested after a year-long investigation of “improprieties.”

“For 20 years he and his lover Miss Kitty Marshall Dillon and Miss Kitty were running a bordello.  How it was able to go on this long I don’t know” said one of the FBI agents involved in the investigation.

Though personally very popular in town, residents had begun to complain that Dillon’s job as a Marshall had begun to take a back seat to his extra-curricular money-making activities.

Said one person in Dodge:

We had an Indian uprising a few weeks back.  They came into town hoopin’ and a hollerin’ and rapin’ and pillagin’.  I ran to the Long Branch Saloon because I knew that’s where Marshall Dillon would be. I knocked on Miss Kitty’s door and said, “Marshall Dillon there’s Indians afoot!”  He wouldn’t even open the door.  You know what he said?  “Don’t interrupt me.  I’m about to give Miss Kitty an Irish Perm.”  Now I don’t even know what an Irish Perm is and I don’t want to know.  So we had to start fighting the Indians ourselves.

The Indian attacks were put down only after the many town casualties started costing the Long Branch Saloon business.

“People can’t go whoring when they’re dead” said Dillon.

Most of the townspeople were tolerant of Marshal Dillon’s money-making schemes.

We were all sympathetic to an extent.  We knew he made a civil servant’s salary and that’s not much so if he wanted to make a little on the side so be it.  But it was annoying every time I went into the Long Branch for a drink he’d try to get me to smoke.  “Come on he’d say.  “I own 50 percent of the company.  It’s a smooth, menthol smoke. Make Marshall Dillon happy and buy a carton Buy a carton and  make me happy.  I’ll look the other way when you step out on the missus.”  Now I bought a pack because he was my friend but still I didn’t like the implied threat.  I mean, after all the times I looked the other way about the prostitution?

As Dillon’s tenure in Dodge City progressed he became less and less tolerant of those who would not help his money-making schemes.  Said a resident:

I told hm I had moral objections to he and Miss Kitty running a prostitution ring right on main street!  In front of children no less!  So what does he do?  He sends over his deputy Chester Goode Your groin and my unbending leg are gonna have a meeting to beat me up.  Now I like Chester but he had this thing with his leg where he couldn’t bend it.  Ever been kicked in the groin by a man who can’t bend his knee?  It ‘taint pleasant. There’s a lot of rage in that kick.

But the final straw that turned the townspeople against their Marshall may have been  his immigration policy.

Look we have had all types move here.  Ex slaves.  The Chinese.  We even had one goofy looking idiot who said he was from Vulcan. I am from New Jersey

I don’t know where that is.  New Jersey I think.  But when the Marshall started letting the Irish move into town we had to act!

The fed-up townspeople, disturbed by the Irish horde and acting in their best interests, informed on Marshall Dillon to the FBI, leading to his arrest.

Marshall Dillon is currently in custody under suicide watch.

“He feels betrayed by the citizens” said his lawyer. “After all he did for them?”

In a related note the Irish have been banned from settling in Dodge.


6 Responses

  1. Matt says:

    Those Irish can’t seem to catch a break, can they?

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: Would you want the Irish living in your town?

  3. ““People can’t go whoring when they’re dead” said Dillon.”

    That’s true; but they can still vote.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: Only in Chicago.

  5. innominatus says:

    Spock went back in time to Dodge? I thought it was Data that went back in time to San Francisco and met Mark Twain. I’m so confused…

  6. Infidel, RE-Dead voting In Chicago: Stroll through Hudson County on Election Day. There have been zombie voters casting straight ticket Donkey Puncher ballots since the Truman Administration.

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