Today at Manhattan Infidel it is my distinct pleasure to interview a landmark, an icon and a legend: The Lady in the Harbor herself, the Statue of Liberty.
MI: Good morning Miss Liberty
SOL: You got a drink for me?
MI: Um, no sorry. Let’s start at the beginning. What do I call you? Officially you are “Liberty Enlightening the World” or La Liberté éclairant le monde as the French say.
SOL: Don’t get me started on the French. I hate ‘dose bastards.
MI: Okay, well as the lady in New York Harbor –
SOL: Hey, I ain’t no New Yorker. I’m a Jersey girl all the way!
MI: Really?
SOL: I’m going to Jersey Shore, bitch! But back to your question. Just call me a guidette because I know how to club it up, I take good care of myself, I have pretty hair, tanned skin, I wear the hottest heals and I pretty much know how to own it and rock it baby!
MI: Okay. I never suspected that about you. Now about you – you are supposed to represent liberty breaking free. Is that why there is a broken chain about your feet?
SOL: That ain’t no chain baby. That’s my garter belt. It must have fallen off when I was bopping all around doing backward flips with my thong hanging out and my crotch up in the air.
MI: That’s an undignified image.
SOL: Yeah I had sex. Like hello. You’re gonna have sex if you’re into somebody. It’s natural.
MI: I don’t even remember asking about your sex life.
SOL: You want me don’t you?
MI: No.
SOL: I hate guys. I’m turning lesbian, I swear.
MI: I –
SOL: My boobs are so tight I can’t breathe. Is that normal?
MI: I wouldn’t know.
SOL: I’m not trashy unless I drink too much. Which is pretty much all the time. I know how to party. And I’m going to Jersey Shore bitch!
MI: You already mentioned that. Now –
SOL: It hurts my vagina.
MI: What?
SOL: Wanna fuck? My tits defy gravity. Albert Einstein should come back and rewrite his laws of physics around my tits.
MI: Please. I ask you to take this interview seriously. Many of my readers want to know –
SOL: Do you know what gay guys do? They’re not attracted to vagina. They’re attracted to asshole.
MI: I –
SOL: I will fucking attack you like a squirrel monkey!
MI: What the hell are you talking about?
SOL: I will pee in a bush. I will poop in a bush and I will hide in a bush. I do fucked up shit. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me.
MI: I don’t think there’s much point to continuing this interview.
SOL: Every time I get real excited like if we go to a club I have to poop. If we go to a party I have to poop. If I go on a date I have to poop.
MI: I’ll just let myself out.
SOL: Even though I just met you, you seem like the perfect juicehead gorilla for me. And I kinda want to have sex with you already.
MI: I am so not turned on by you. It was nice meeting you.
SOL: I have to poop! And I want to have sex!
Readers, it often happens that when I interview somebody they are much different than I had anticipated. Such is the case with Lady Liberty.
MI: Oh come on! Will you stop pooping in my bushes!
SOL: I’m excited. And I want sex!
Readers, for your own good stay away from the Statue of Liberty. She’s a skank.
(415)
She wasn’t always that way, MI. The liberty she promised has beendestroyed by mortals and now she psychotic. It’s understndable, don’t you think?
On the bright side, Lady Liberty is a perfect greeter for people entering Obama’s America.
We’re pretty much hosed if lady liberty has gone skank.