Americans Applaud End of Freedom!

We the people choose not to be free!By an overwhelming vote that crossed partisan lines, congress today voted to end all freedom of choice for all Americans for everything.

“It is time we realize that freedom is not absolute” declared Senate Majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV).  “People are using their freedoms to make wrong choices.  The wrong foods to eat.  The wrong recreational drugs to use.  The wrong sexual positions to enjoy.  These decisions are too important to be left to the people.  This is where the government steps in.”

“There is an epidemic in America today” declared Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).  “It is an epidemic of unhealthy wellness choices.”

“We have to force people to do what’s best for them.  The constitution gives us this right.” declared John Boehner (R-OH).

The “Health and Wellness” bill passed both houses of congress with only one dissenting vote belonging to the possibly senile Ron Paul who pathetically challenged the government’s right to regulate personal choices.

“Who is this Ron Paul character to go against the wisdom of the ages” said a disgusted Reid. “I can’t even think of Paul without vomiting.”

Under the provisions of the bill a 3000 percent tax will be placed on the following items:

  • Soda
  • Meat
  • Eggs
  • Alcohol
  • Cigars and cigarettes

“We could have just banned the items but what’s the profit in that.  So we decided a tax would be better.  A tax would only be fair and it’ll help fund our government” said Reid.

In addition to its negative aspects (taxes to thwart consumption) the bill has many positive aspects as well.

“We intend to transform the habits of all Americans” said President Obama.

Some of the positive provisions?

  • Those who live within five miles of where they work will have to walk to their office.
  • Those who live five to 15  miles from their office will have to jog.
  • Those who live 15 to 25 miles from their office will have to take public transportation (including high-speed rail.)
  • Those who live over 25 miles from their office will have to move or get another job closer to their home.
  • Instead of lunch all workers will be given an hour to jog or do calisthenics.  Those who prefer not to can tithe a part of their salary to a wellness center.

Despite, or perhaps because of the extreme provisions of the document it has the support of the majority of Americans.

“It is true” was a typical response from an American when asked about the bill.  “I make unhealthy choices every day.  I’m glad the government is stepping in to tell us what to do.  Isn’t that their job?”

The bill will take effect in September.



3 Responses

  1. Was that taken from the Democrat or the Republican Party platform? I guess it doesn’t matter any more, does it?

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: Sadly you are correct. Both parties are dedicated to increasing the power of the state.

  3. Mike Bloomberg is reading this post and taking down notes. FURIOUSLY.

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