And the day after the election, when it began to dawn that Barack had lost came Scarlet Johansson and Cameron Diaz to see the sepulchre and be photographed at it.

And behold there was a great earthquake caused by climate change, for the science is settled.  And an angel of redistribution descended from Chicago and coming, rolled back the stone and sat upon it.

And his countenance was as one who had the joy of having his millions redistributed to less fortunate, and his raiment as hoodies.

And the union goons who were guarding the stone would have been struck with terror for fear of him, but they were on a break.

And the angel answering said to the Hollywood starlets:  Fear not you; for I know that you seek Barack who has lost the election, as well as publicity for being so compassionate.

He is not here, for he has signed a 15-million dollar deal with a low-rated cable network, as he said. Come, and see the place where he laid with sliders and fries.

And going quickly, tell ye his disciples in the mainstream media that he is one of them now:  and behold he will go before you into New York City; there you shall see him.  Lo, I have foretold it to you.  Watch out!  It’s Lindsay Lohan driving a car!  And then the angel departed.

And they went out quickly from the sepulchre with fear and great joy that they had been photographed, running to tell his disciples in the mainstream media.

And behold Barack met them, saying:  All hail my intellect.  But they came up and took hold of his feet, and adored him because they were progressive and caring starlets.

Then Barack said to them:  Fear not. Michelle is nowhere to be seen.  Go, tell my brethren that they watch a low-rated cable network, there they shall see me.

Who when they were departed, behold some of the union goons told Reince Priebus  and Debbie Wasserman Schultz all things that had been done.

And they being assembled together, taking counsel, gave a great some of money in the form of pensions to the union goons.

Saying:  Say you, His disciples in the mainstream media came at night, and stole him away with promises of TV fame.

So taking their pensions, did as they were taught: and this word was spread abroad among the Republican party of capitalism and conservative Democrats even unto this day.

And his disciples in the mainstream media went to their TV sets, unto the time listed where Barack had his show.

And seeing him they adored: but some doubted his ability to do live TV where teleprompters sometimes fail.

And Barack coming on the TV, spoke to the nation, saying:  All power is given to me to speak my profound intellect by the news division of this low-rated cable network.

Therefore, I will teach ye all; indoctrinating them with my profound intellect and with my friends Bill Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn, and of the compassion of socialism.

Teaching whoever watches my show to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded to be redistributed:  and behold I am with you all days, but especially weeknights at 8 PM Eastern Standard Time.

[The End?]

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