New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has announced his intention to ban all 32-ounce soft drinks in New York City as part of his desire to fight obesity.  In announcing the ban Bloomberg told reporters that “I think that is what the public wants the mayor to do.”

Those unfamiliar with Mayor Bloomberg’s administration may wonder as to his motives.

Every New Yorker, every real New Yorker loves a 32-ounce big gulp.  It’s as big as the city itself.  But Mayor Bloomberg did not. Bloomberg hated 32-ounce big gulps. Now please don’t ask why; no one quite knows the reason.  It could be, perhaps that his shoes were too tight.  Or it could be that his head wasn’t screwed on just right.  But I think the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes too small, as this photo from Bloomberg’s last physical clearly shows. But whatever his reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood at a podium in City Hall hating Big Gulps.  Staring down from his podium, with a sour mayoral frown at the warm, lighted windows of every 7-11 in town.  For he knew that every New Yorker was busy drinking a sugar-filled 32-ounce Big Gulp.

“I must stop this whole thing” said the Mayor.   “I must stop Big Gulps from coming.  But how?”

Then Mayor Bloomberg got an idea as this photo from a recent press conference clearly shows.

The mayor got a wonderful, awful idea.

You’re a mean one, Mayor Bloomberg

You really are a heel

You’re as cuddly as a cactus

You’re as charming as an eel

Mayor Bloomberg

You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel

Not content with just ordering the banning of the offending drink, Bloomberg, despite doctor’s orders to refrain from physical exertion because of his two-sizes too small heart began stealing 32-ounce Big Gulps himself as this police surveillance photo clearly shows.

You’re a monster Mayor Bloomberg

Your heart’s an empty hole

Your brain is full of spiders

You’ve got garlic in your soul, Mayor Bloomberg

I wouldn’t touch you with a 

Thirty-nine and a half foot pole

Moving quickly throughout New York City Mayor Bloomberg went from house to house, stealing all the 32-ounce Big Gulps he could find.  Mayor Bloomberg had just stolen the last Big Gulp when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.  He turned around fast and saw a little New Yorker, little Cindy Lou Rodriguez, who was no more than two. She stared at Mayor Bloomberg and said:

“Mayor Bloomberg, why?  Why are you taking my Big Gulp, why?”

But do you know that old Mayor Bloomberg was so smart and so slick that he thought up a lie and he thought it up quick.

“Why my sweet little tot” said the lying Mayor, “This Big Gulp has no ice.  So I’m taking it home to my workshop at Gracie Mansion my dear.  I’ll get some ice for it there.  Then I’ll bring it back here.”

And his fib fooled the child.  Then he patted her head, got her a non 32-ounce drink and sent her to bed, as this video capture from their home security system clearly shows.

You’re a vile one, Mayor Bloomberg

You have termites in your smile

You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile,

Mayor Bloomberg

Given the choice between the two of you,

I’d take the seasick crocodile

It was a quarter to dawn and Mayor Bloomberg had taken the last Big Gulp in the city.  To Gracie Mansion rode Mayor Bloomberg as he exclaimed:

“They’re finding out now that no Big Gulp is coming.  Their mouths will hang open for a minute or two, then the New Yorkers down in New York will all cry, ‘Boo hoo.’ ”

He paused and Mayor Bloomberg put a hand to his ear.  And he did hear a sound.  But this, this sound wasn’t sad.  Why this sound sounded glad! Every New Yorker down in New York, the tall and the small was singing without any Big Gulps at all!  He hadn’t stopped Big Gulps from coming!  And Mayor Bloomberg stood puzzling.

“How could it be so?  Why are they singing?  There are no Big Gulps!”

He puzzled and puzzled until his puzzler was sore.  Then Mayor Bloomberg thought of something he hadn’t before.  Maybe Big Gulps he thought, do not come from a store. Maybe Big Gulps, perhaps, mean a little bit more.

And what happened then?  Well in New York they say that Mayor Bloomberg’s heart grew three sizes that day as these police video stills   clearly show.

And then the true meaning of Big Gulps came through. And now that his heart didn’t feel quite so tight he decided to return all the Big Gulps he had stolen.

Unfortunately for Mayor Bloomberg he was immediately taken into custody by the NYPD who believed him a terrorist.

You’re a foul one, Mayor Bloomberg

You’re a nasty, wasty skunk

Your heart if full of unwashed socks

Your soul is full of gunk

Mayor Bloomberg

The three words that best describe you

Are as follows, and I quote:

Stink!

Stank!

Stunk!

Welcome Big Gulps bring your cheer.  Cheer to all New Yorkers far and near.  Big Gulps are in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp.  Big Gulps will always be just as long as we have we.  Welcome Big Gulps while we stand, heart to heart and hand in hand!

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