I ended part III of my interview with Santa by visiting a local establishment and showing my support for single mothers.  I now present my fourth and final installment.  You know, I don’t mean to brag but I smell a Pulitzer.  And if anyone from the networks is reading this I’m ready for my closeup.

MI:  Where am I?

Doctor:  You’re in a hospital.  The good news is we were able to save one of your testicles.

MI: What happened?

Doctor:  You were found in an alleyway outside a strip club beaten pretty badly.  What did you do to piss off a stripper that much?

MI:  Well I –

Doctor:  I mean the hatred that went into your beating.  You didn’t tell them you were a blogger did you?

MI:  Yes I did.

Doctor:  That explains it.  Never tell a stripper you’re a blogger.  In fact never tell anyone you’re a blogger.  It’s like advertising the fact that you are a broke loser who’s never known the touch of a woman.

MI:  But I am a…..oh never mind.  What day is this?  I have to finish my interview with Santa.

Doctor:  Well you’re in luck.  It’s Christmas Eve and Santa will be visiting us soon.

Santa:  Ho ho ho!

Doctor:  Here he is now!

Santa:  Ho ho ho [sees Manhattan Infidel] Ah crap.  You again.

MI:  Santa!  I have just a few more questions to ask you.

Santa:  Listen punk.  I’m tired of you.  You’re cramping my style.  Do you know how long it took me to convince those four 19-year old strippers that you weren’t my friend before they agreed to tie me up, pour chocolate-flavored nipple licker drops on me and slowly lick me to orgasm?  Do you? Well it wasn’t easy let me tell you.  And these weren’t just any 19-year old strippers.  They were Greek 19-year old strippers who were on the Olympic gymnastics team.

MI:  But my interview?

Santa:  What interview?  I should never have agreed to sit down with you.

MI:  Santa!

Santa:  Look if I give you a present will you quit whining and leave me alone?

MI:  Yes.

Santa:  OK.  I found this in the alley.  I think it’s your other testicle.  No wait.  Sorry. That’s Peter Falk’s glass eye.  He gave it to me at a Christmas party once. Here it is.  Anyway.  Enjoy your testicle.  Not that it’ll do you any good.

MI:  Thank you Santa.

Santa:  Well, I’m off.  I have to deliver presents to all the strippers. I mean all the boys and girls.  Ho ho ho!

And so ended my interview with St. Nick.

And if any of my female readers are wondering I have both my testicles back so look me up.  And no the fact that you recently spent time in prison doesn’t matter to me.

(395)