My Exclusive Interview with Santa Claus

santa-clause-waving.jpgWith Christmas fast approaching we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel are pleased that the man himself, St. Nick has agreed to stop by and talk to us.  I thank Santa Claus for taking time out of his busy schedule to sit down for an interview.

MI:  Santa. Thank you.  I know you’re busy this time of year.  Christmas is right around the corner

Santa:  Yeah, five days.  We’re in the home stretch.

MI:  What’s it like delivering toys around the world?

Santa:  It’s difficult.  It gets more difficult every year.  It’s not very profitable.  My business model just doesn’t work anymore.

MI:  Why is that?

Santa:  Well for starters too much damn regulation.  Do you think it’s easy owning a business now?  I have so many regulations I have to comply with I don’t know them all.  God forbid I forget one.

MI:  Must be difficult –

Santa:  Don’t interrupt me punk.

MI:  Um.  Okay.

Santa: Last week I had some people from the EPA visit my factory.

MI:  Why?

Santa:  I said don’t interrupt me punk.  Anyway, they wanted to check if the run off from the factory was melting the ice cap.  They were concerned that the polar bears might be drowning. Let me tell you about polar bears.  Big f#$#ing nuisance.  The come around digging into our garbage cans – I had to invest in bear-proof garbage cans – and they frighten my elves.  I lost one to a bear.  I heard these screams and I ran out and a polar bear was attacking an elf.  It was like that scene in Jaws where Robert Shaw buys the farm.  There was lots of kicking and screaming and blood.

MI:  Wow.  That must have been – 

Santa: Are you deaf you jackass?  I said don’t interrupt me.  You heard about the light bulb ban?

MI:  Yes.

Santa:  I run a business.  Part of that business is an assembly line.  That’s dangerous work.  I keep it well-lighted.  But I had to remove all the 100 watt bulbs and replaced them with these squiggly shitty things.  Now I have no light on the floor.  Do you know how many accidents I’m having now.  People are breaking arms, losing legs, getting pulled into conveyors and squashed.

MI:  I can see how that would be difficult –

Santa:  Alright punk you and me.  We’re having it out.  I told you not to interrupt me.

MI:  Jesus ain’t we a prissy bitch

Santa:  You want a piece of me?  You want me punk?  Here I am.  Come on punk.  Come at me!

MI:  You’re going down fat boy!

End of Part One of my Exclusive Interview with Santa Claus.


One Response

  1. Matt says:

    So much for “jolly old elf.”

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