In my continuing series of posts designed to better the lives of my readers I now present your daily horoscope.  Yes, I know that I don’t have to better the lives of my readers but I consider it my duty.  And all my readers have to do in return is send me photos of Olivia Wilde. They can be photoshopped.  She can be naked.  But the important thing is:  photos of Olivia Wilde.      

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 – Dec 21)

Your energy levels are very high.  Almost as high as you are.  Your drug addiction has cost you your job and family.  Now divorced and friendless you spend most of your time in a lawn chair in your front yard wearing nothing but tighty whities and shouting, “Hey you kids, get off my lawn!” Your lucky number is seven which coincidentally is the same number of bags of cocaine you have you in your house.

CAPRICORN (DEC 22 – JAN 20)

You are very popular.  Everyone at the “Home” likes you.  You are so popular in fact that the nurses have made you a “trustee” enabling you to move around the grounds without your ankle monitoring bracelet.  You even get to choose the time you want to take your “medication.”  The nurses only concern is that sometimes you like to hang out on the front lawn and shout “Hey you kids get off my lawn.  Except for you.  You’re attractive and I’ve never known the touch of a woman.”

AQUARIUS (JAN 21 – FEB 19)

You prefer to be blunt and honest with people, like the time you told police to come back with a warrant before they search your house because you “need time to move the bodies.”  Or the time you told the judge at your trial “Temporary insanity?  Please I knew what I was doing.”  Or the time you told the parole board that “I consider myself fully rehabilitated and would like my freedom because I haven’t killed anybody in years.” Justin Bieber, making his acting debut, will play you in the TV movie. You will begin to reassess your policy on honesty. Your lucky number is 15.

PISCES (FEB 20 – MAR 20)

Something will happen today. But it won’t happen to you.  You’re boring.  No one notices you which will explain why your body will lie on a lawn chair in your front yard for a week before neighbors notice you are dead.  A neighbor will tell the police that “I knew something was wrong.  He wasn’t yelling at my kids to get off his lawn.” You have a lucky number.  Not that it matters.  You’re dead.

ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 20)

Ignore your critics today.  They are just jealous of your front lawn.  Your grass is so thick, so lush, so green.  Your secret? Human blood as fertilizer. The final shootout at your home will involve three SWAT detachments and will be covered live on TV from helicopters hovering overhead.  Finally taken down and captured you will tell police that “I told those kids to get off my lawn!” You don’t have a lucky number but your lucky word is “more” which you will continually scream during late night sessions with your cell mate.

TAURUS (APR 21 – MAY 21)

If you stop worrying for a moment and analyze the situation you will realize that the chances of you staying on the run from authorities in this internet age are probably nonexistent.   Give yourself up.  This is your first ninth violent felony and no state has a “nine strikes and you’re out” law.  Consider yourself lucky it wasn’t your third violent felony. If it were you’d be sent to a maximum security penitentiary without a front lawn.  As it is you’ll probably do minimal time in a “work camp.”  Your lucky number is three.  (Ironic isn’t it.)

GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 21)

A partner or loved one will do or say something today that makes you realize there is a lot about them you don’t understand.  Perhaps they will say something like “Put the gun down I don’t want to die” or “I’m sorry I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to walk across the front lawn.”  In either case you will not understand why they have said this.  The sound of shotgun blasts coming from your basement will startle your neighbors but not as much as the fact that you think George Lazenby was the best James Bond ever.

CANCER (JUNE 22 – JULY 23)

You don’t have to do everything yourself.  Spread the load today – get others to help you.  They will if you ask them nicely.  Okay, I lied.  No one will want to help you bury that school bus filled with hostages but the cops are playing hardball so you have to up the ante.  Just remember to leave air holes for the children to breathe.  This time.  You have a nice lawn.

LEO (JULY 24 – AUG 23)

Why are you even still alive?  Your front lawn sucks.  Get a shotgun and end it all.  Your  lucky number is zero.  As in you are a zero.  After your house is sold people will discover why your front lawn sucks.  All those school buses filled with children buried under your lawn didn’t allow the fertilizer to work.

VIRGO (AUG 24 – SEPT 23)

Minor disagreements could easily get out of hand the next 24 hours, so promise yourself that no matter how provocative certain people may be you won’t rise to the bait.  Perhaps if you camped out on your front lawn with a shotgun people will know you mean business.  Question:  Are they provocative or are you just touchy?  Remember, do not rise to the bait.  Shooting neighbors in the groin will leave you less time to fertilize your front lawn.

LIBRA (SEPT 24 – OCT 23)

You may be tempted to blame someone else when something goes wrong today but if you’re honest you will admit it’s your fault.  You should have left air holes in those buses you buried and now all the hostages are dead.  It’s no big deal.  Everyone will happily forgive you because they wish their front lawn looked as good as yours.

SCORPIO (OCT 24 – NOV 22)

No one cares about you.  You don’t even have a front lawn.  I won’t waste my time giving your horoscope you troglodyte.  Your lucky number is go to hell.

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