Central Banks Move to Calm Fears

The Federal Reserve - Devaluing the Dollar for almost 90 yearsIn an unprecedented move to calm world markets, major central banks including the Federal Reserve, the Bank of Canada, the Bank of England and several other central banks no one cares about launched a joint action to provide cheap U.S. dollars to banks in Europe and other parts of the world no one cares about.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke (pictured here) You have nothing to fear!  Everything is fine! told reporters that the decision to provide cheap, emergency U.S. dollars to Europe and those other parts of the world no one cares about was “good economic policy.”

You have nothing to fear.  Remain calm.  All is well!  Remain calm!  All is well!  A financial catastrophe is not imminent!  Remain calm………thank you sir may I please have another?

Bernanke also stressed that while another round of bond buying, known as quantitative easing, was possible the Fed has limited options.

Remain calm!  All is well!  Mommy!  Mommy!  Mommy!  All is well!  Remain calm! Invest in gold!  Mommy!

The Bank of Canada Eh? Governor (pictured here) Eh?  Hosers! echoed Bernanke’s sentiments.

There is nothing to fear, eh.  Remain calm, eh. The basic financial structure is sound.  Your retirement savings are safe eh.  Mmm.  Love this Brador’s  beer you hosers.  Yes, technically I know it’s a malt liquor hosers.

The Bank of England Governor (pictured here) Do unto others then run told reporters that he fully supports the Fed’s decision to lend cheap U.S. dollars to overseas financial markets.

Remain calm.  All is well.  There is nothing to fear.  Do unto others then run.  I’m not against half naked girls.  Not as often as I’d like to be.  Remain calm.  I have a wild bunch of coconuts.

The European Central Bank President (pictured here) Any alliance whose purpose is not the intention to wage war is senseless and useless addressed the European Parliament in these words:

Remain calm. All is well.  There is nothing to fear.  Any alliance whose purpose is not the intention to wage war is senseless and useless.  Demoralize the enemy from within by surprise, terror, sabotage, assassination.  This is the war of the future.  Oh, and remain calm.  All is well.

Meanwhile in a far-flung corner of the globe that no one cares about a care package filled with U.S. dollars has arrived at a local village. Villagers, at first ecstatic because they believed the package might contain iPods were bitterly dissapointed to find nothing but U.S. money.  Angry villagers burned the package while chanting “Useless. Useless!”

Editor’s note:  The Manhattan Infidel would like to apologize for any factual errors in this story.


4 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    Except for Bernanke having ugly facial hair, this report is 100% dead-nuts factually accurate. Nothing to apologize for.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: That and Bernanke probably has a better garage band.

  3. Man, Angela Merkel is looking rough these days.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: Angela is butching up. Must be the HGH.

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