When 38-year old David Johnson arrived home from work he was frankly exhausted.

“It had been a rough day at work.  I was tense.  I need to relax” he told reporters.  “I was hoping to have a few beers and watch the game.”

Instead when he entered his house he was promptly fellated by his wife.  “Imagine my surprise.  Now I’m relaxed!”

Mr. Johnson was so happy and grateful that he immediately went out and bought his wife a new pair of shoes.

“That’s when the trouble began” he said.

Mr. Johnson’s wife told all her friends about her new pair of shoes.  Soon wives and significant others everywhere were demanding the same:  Shoes in return for fellatio.

It was soon after this that many men reported being stressed out at work because of the new arrangement.  Mr. Johnson’s male co-workers now no longer talk to him.

“I’m on a budget” said one.  “Now I have to buy shoes?  You’re kidding.  Johnson’s a jerk.  He’s ruined it for all of us.”

“It’s bad enough I had to buy her shoes” said another.  “But now she’s reversed the order. I Have to buy her shoes FIRST. And there’s no guarantee she’ll fellate me.  They have to be shoes she LIKES!  No wonder I’m drinking more.”

The nonprofit group “Fellatio Without Pressure” warns of the danger to society from the new arrangement.  Said the founder:

Society is based on a contract.  A social contract if you will.  Favors are done with reciprocity in mind.  Except for fellatio.  Men need this to survive.  If we have to start buying shoes in exchange for fellatio or worse buying shoes to get fellatio society will collapse and we will revert back to a stone-age environment.  Look at me!  My wife won’t touch me.  I’m weak.  I bought her shoes but she threw them at me and said she didn’t like them.  Now I’m sleeping in the garage.  My blood pressure is sky-rocketing and the dog’s beginning to look pretty damn good to me. Who am I kidding?  Society is doomed.

He may be right.  Contact has been lost with several cities on the coast. Large fires are reported.  Cars have been overturned to act as makeshift barricades.

“All hell has broken loose” was the last message from Portland, Maine.  “This is worse than the zombie outbreak of ’07!”

The only segment of society not affected by the breakdown of the social order are shoe manufacturers.

“Business is booming!‘ said one.

This correspondent will brave conditions and continue to report on the story.  I ask male readers to stay strong!  And don’t buy any shoes!  The line must be drawn here!

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