Captain James T. Kirk, acting against the advice of counsel, began his defense today in his much ballyhooed trial.

Kirk does not deny any of the allegations of Star Fleet.  Instead he paints a picture of a man in the far flung corners of the galaxy operating on a shoe string budget and without a support structure who is forced to improvise his way through space.

“It’s not like there was a goddamn manual on how to behave” said Kirk.  “Well, actually there is but I didn’t have time to read it.”

Kirk began his defense by talking about the nature of command.

Here I was in distant parts of space making first contact with alien species.  This was allegedly the most important part of my job.  That’s why Star Fleet sent me out. That’s what the orders said. When making contact with aliens the first impression they have of you often determines if your mission will be a success.  I was trying to establish an air of gravity and dignity to show the power of Star Fleet.  Instead Star Fleet kept sending me these shitty ass tunics that kept ripping.  It’s no wonder the aliens laughed at me and called me “Captain Torn Shirt.”  I asked Star Fleet if they could provide some better uniforms and they said it wasn’t in the budget.

Continuing his theme on how tightfisted Star Fleet was Kirk introduced into evidence the outdated hardware aboard the Enterprise.

I mean, c’mon.  The Enterprise was allegedly their flagship and they stick the crew with this crap?  How about some flat screen monitors with up to date graphics capability? How about some 52 inch flat screens?  You try streaming porn on this crap. What is this?  The 1990s? How about some solid state electronics?  Do you know how many times the circuits shorted out shocking the crew?

So I finally bitched long enough and they sent me a new computer.  A computer with a crappy screensaver.  Don’t I at least get some flying toasters or something?  Jesus!

Kirk ended the first part of his defense by talking about the frailties of being human.

We’re officially not supposed to “fraternize” with fellow officers if you know what I mean.  But here we are, light years from home and lonely.  So Star Fleet turned a blind eye to this regulation.  They provided me with a hot blond yeoman to provide for my needs.

But then they took her away for no reason. And without my yeoman I had nothing to keep me from giving in to concupiscence.   So I fraternized.  Boy did I ever fraternize.  The Beatles were right:  “Black/white/green/red/can I take my friend to bed?”

Kirk intends to continue in this line of defense, threatening to “shake Star Fleet to its core.”

“I was set up to fail and someone’s going to pay!”

There is as of yet no word on whether any of the crew of the Enterprise will testify on his behalf.

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