Mysterium Jack Lordium

Behold the mystery of Jack Lord’s hairFollowing up on an earlier promise I have investigated further the mystery of Jack Lord’s hair.  My research concentrated on three areas.  Specifically,

  • What is the nature of Jack Lord’s hair?
  •  Has Jack Lord’s hair ever manifested unexplained powers?
  •  Can prayer to Jack Lord’s hair help in difficult moments?

It appears from all available evidence that Jack Lord’s hair was an immovable object, unchangeable, eternal, immune to elements or any outside influence.  There is speculation that his hair is in fact the “first mover” of the universe and that time came into existence with Lord’s hair.  This of course cannot be proven  but many prominent theologians are of this opinion.  Said one:

His last name is a clue as to the true nature of his hair.  He was born John Joseph Patrick Ryan but took the stage name Jack Lord. What does that tell you?  Traditionally throughout western civilization the name “Lord” has been associated with power and majesty.  Perhaps this was his way of drawing attention to the true nature of his follicle development.  Perhaps he was manifesting his hair to a fallen humanity. Perhaps he was saying “My hair IS.”

While investigating possible manifestations of power from Jack Lord’s hair James MacArthur, who played loyal sidekick Danno, told me about a curious incident that happened during the first season of Hawaii Five-0:

During the filming of one episode a violent thunderstorm stopped production.  I saw a bolt of lightning hit Jack on the top of his head and I saw that his hair was on fire.  I ran over to put it out when I noticed that his hair, while on fire, was not consumed.  I was confused as to how this could be when I heard a voice saying, “I am Jack Lord’s hair.  You shall have no other hair but me.” I fell down at my feet and said, “Depart from me Jack Lord’s hair, for I am only a second banana.”

After this manifestion of Lord’s “Hairhead“, many began keep pictures of Jack Lord in their home and pray to his hair.   There were reports of miracles. MacArthur continues:

It was late at night and I was leaving a bar in Honolulu after having a few drinks.  I noticed two men following me.  They grabbed me.  One pulled a gun out and said he would shoot me if I didn’t give them all my money.  I thought I was going to be killed.  Then I shouted “The power of Jack Lord’s hair commands you.  Begone!”  Well, before you could say “The original Felix Leiter” the Earth beneath the two muggers opened up and they were swallowed whole! After that I never doubted the power of his hair.

So it seems that my original suspicions were correct.  Jack Lord’s hair is not just normal hair.  But don’t take my word for it, look at the picture and believe:

The hair of healing


5 Responses

  1. Karen Howes says:

    Ah Bah-LEEVE! Amen!

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Let us hope the Body of Jack Lord’s hair does not fall into the hands of reformers.

  3. KingShamus says:

    But is Jack Lord’s hair haunted by the spirit of Vatican II?

  4. Karen Howes says:

    KS, if it were, it would only respond to vernacularly-named styling products.

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Well, Jack Lord’s hair DID ask me my opinion on liturgical dance. So I think the hair might be haunted.

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