Gor Khan, a 37 year old Klingon working at a local suicide prevention hotline has been fired after it was discovered that his “call disposition” actually led to suicides.
“I blame myself for hiring him” said supervisor Greg Hughes. “He seemed like he really wanted to help. But the poor guy just didn’t have the right bedside manner, so to speak.”
After being hired, Khan underwent the mandatory one-day training where he learned how to deal with potential suicides and then was given a cubicle to begin work.
“The trouble began with his first call” said Hughes. A transcript of that call has been provided to this reporter:
Khan: Suicide prevention hotline. How may I assist you?
Caller: Hello. I’m really confused and frightened. I lost my job and my wife left me. I have nothing to live for.
Khan: Today is a good day to die!
Caller: What?
Khan: You Regulan bloodworm. You have no honor.
“I cut him some slack. I figured it was his first call and maybe he just needed to some more practice. So I took him out to lunch and gave him a pep talk.”
However Khan’s second call revealed that the pep talk did not work.
Khan: Suicide prevention hotline. How may I assist you?
Caller: I’m going to end it all man. Don’t try to talk me out of it. I have a gun and I’m going to do it!
Khan: You miserable petaQ! Your mother has a smooth forehead.
Caller: I…what? Seriously don’t try to stop me I’m going to end it all.
Khan: Go ahead. If you cannot do it yourself you miserable spineless human I’ll get my bat’leth and finish the job. [Sound of gunshot is heard on tape]
After the second call Khan was escorted out of the building by security.
“It’s a shame” said Hughes. “I really thought he’d work out. He seemed empathetic and he was a wizard at using Excel spreadsheets.”
As for Khan, he landed on his feet and immediately acquired a job working the Help Desk at a local television station.
Anchor: Hey, I’m going on the air in five minutes but I’ve forgotten my password. Can you reset it for me?
Khan: You incompetent To-pah!
Anchor: What? Hey, is that a bat’leth? Oh my god no!
(759)
KKKKKKKKKHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think maybe they should’ve hired a Romulan or maybe an Andorian if they really had to make their extraterrestrial affirmative action quota.
KS: Let’s not forget about the Cardassians.
You just wait ’til the ACLU lawyers and Klingon Anti-Defamation League activists hear about this. Greg Hughes will be calling his own hotline!
ROFL!!! Oh, that was priceless. Thanks for the much-needed laugh, Infidel.
Matthew: Kirk would be proud.
Inn: Well, if that’s how the Klingons want to roll I’ll just hire a Vulcan attorney.
KH: Thanks and welcome.
Thanks for the welcome. I’m afraid I’m not clever enough to have come up with a clever, snarky, Trek-alluding comment like some of the others, ha.
Clever?
“Caller: I’m going to end it all man. Don’t try to talk me out of it. I have a gun and I’m going to do it!”
Seriously, why would you call then, if you can’t be stopped or talked out of it.