Recently I had a chance to sit down with beloved commercial spokesperson Morris the Cat, who granted me an exclusive interview.

MI:  Morris I know you don’t often give interviews so I thank you for your time.  What is a typical day in the life of Morris the Cat?

Morris:  Well you know many people think I live a glamorous life but it’s actually pretty normal.  Up at Six.  Scratch the litter box for a couple minutes making sure it is arranged just the way I like it.  Then I pee on the couch.  And then my limo shows up and it’s off to work.

MI:  You’ve been the spokescat for 9Lives brand cat food for many years.  How did you get that job?

Morris:  My agent called me up one day and asked me if I would like to star with Gielgud in King Lear.  I said hell yeah but there were problems with Johnny’s Visa so I ended up taking the 9Lives job instead.  I had no idea it would last so long. 

MI:  Do you actually like 9Lives cat food?

Morris:  You’re trying to get me in trouble aren’t you?  The people at 9Lives have been very good to me so all I’m going to say is sometimes they put a little beer in the food dish too.  Makes it go down smooth.

MI:  I have to ask you this – you know – the rumor that you are bald.

Morris:  True.  I lost my  hair when I was young.  So the thick luxurious mane you see in the commercials is fake.  The prop department borrowed one of Shatner’s old T.J. Hooker wigs and died it orange.  Instant Hollywood magic.

MI:  You are a very private cat but let me ask you about McGruff the crime dog.

Morris:  I know what you’re getting at.  We’re just friends.  Sure occasionally I let him sniff my ass but that doesn’t mean I’m gay.  I happen to enjoy male companionship.

MI:  What does the future hold for Morris the Cat?

Morris:  There’s talk of a 9Lives movie trilogy starring me.  And I’ve just finished playing the villain in the new “24” movie.

MI:  What was that like?

Morris:  Let’s just say Jack Bauer finds new ways of torturing me.

MI:  What’s your biggest fear?

Morris:  I’d have to say the vacuum cleaner.  No seriously.  That thing scares the crap out of me.

MI:  You mean this vacuum cleaner?

Morris:  What?  Where did you get that?  What are you doing?  C’mon man get that thing away from me.

MI:  You don’t mind if I turn it on?

Morris:  Come on dude.  You’re freaking me out.  Turn if off!  Get it away from me.  MEOW!!! MEOW!!! MEOW!!!!

It was at this point that Morris, possibly on drugs, became aggressive, scratched me, ended the interview and ran under the bed.

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