A newly released study on global warming has found that during Summer months temperatures experience an alarming increase.

“This is proof of anthropogenic global warming.”

The study recommends that during critical Summer months, “when man’s activities seriously threaten Sacred Mother Earth” a panel of experts, “perhaps under the guidance of the United Nations or Al Gore or other reputable Washington politicians” be convened to monitor the carbon footprint of all citizens of the United States.

Among the study’s other recommendations:

1. Summer, if possible should be banned.  If this is deemed inexpedient Summer will be renamed “Global Warming Proof Season”;
   
2. Since it has been proven that large people use more energy, all people over 6 feet tall will be banned;
3. Air conditioners will be banned except in Federal offices and the homes of Congressmen and Senators;
4. During peak temperatures, citizens will be advised not to evacuate their bowels but “hold it until October”;
5. The rock group U2 will be given a private jet to fly around the world so Bono can lecture citizens on the need to reduce their carbon footprint;
6. The Southern Hemisphere, which experiences Winter and cooler temperatures during July and August will be advised to “warm up and verify our findings or Bono will chastise you”;
7. During Summer, all citizens must spend an hour a day naked and face down on the ground to “symbolize humility and regret over the role humanity plays in climate change”;
8. It is theorized that the sunglasses David Caruso wears on CSI: Miami act as a convergence point for heat.  Hence, his glasses will be banned.  Also, he will have to shave his head since “red is a hot color”
9. All trees will be chopped down.  “C’mon.  Didn’t you see ‘The Happening’?  Trees are out to kill us:”;
10. Lutherans will be banned.  “We think there is a connection between global warming and Lutheran activity. We don’t know how it’s done scientifically, but our findings are never wrong.”

Upon being presented with the study’s findings, President Obama ordered a “1000 year moratorium” on offshore oil drilling.  He also banned car travel and announced that henceforth the only acceptable mode of transportation will be foot travel.  To demonstrate his sincerity he walked from the West Wing to the second floor of the White House to personally raise the thermostat to 65 degrees.

“We must work together to heal our planet.  We are the people we have been waiting for.  Now is the time the Earth heals and sea levels stop rising. Now is the time – oh crap it’s my wife.  If she asks no one’s seen me.”

President Obama then departed to a secret underground bunker.

(608)