Yankees Lose (And Other Mysteries of Life)

“What are we at the park except to win?  I’d trip my  mother.  I’d help her up, brush her off, tell her I’m sorry.  But Mother, don’t make it to third” ~ Leo Durocher

Yankee Stadium - home to the American League East Champions

Tonight I went to see the Yankee play the Los Angeles (but we play in Anaheim 30 miles away) Angels.

It was the battle of the Irish, as the Yankees started Phil “Joba Rules” Hughes  (11-3 3.99 ERA) while the Angels started Sean O’Sullivan who, of course, got his first win of the year.  The Yankees it seems, cannot beat pitchers whom they’ve never seen before.

Things started out well for the Yankees as in the bottom of the first Nick Swisher homered to right and Robinson Cano scored on a fielder’s choice.  2 – 0 Yankees after one.  And that was the last time they would have the lead.

Phil Hughes gave the Yankees reason to implement emergency Joba Rules (and we all know how well that worked for Joba) by giving up one run in the second, one run in the third, two runs in the fourth and two in the sixth before being mercifully relieved by recently called up Jonathan Abaladejo.

6 – 2 Angels after six.  Things can’t get worse can they?

Well in the seventh 2009 World Series MVP and now playing for Los Angeles, Hideki Matsui hit a two run home run.  8 – 2 after seven.  And thank you Chan Ho Park for giving up that home run on the first pitch you threw.  We appreciate it. Are you part of an exchange program?  If so, what did we give Taiwan?  O.J.?  Larry King?  Lindsay Lohan?  Irish soda bread?  (Irish soda bread – the hardest substance known to man.  Guaranteed to kill all intruders or your money back.)

Anyway, the scoring didn’t end there.  Final score:  Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim 10 – Yankees 2.

How can a team as good as the Yankees look so bad?  You know it’s bad when our DH Juan Miranda has less hits this year than Andy “My groin” Pettitte.

Which brings me to the subject of my post.  The mysteries of life.

The Yankees looking as bad as they did tonight falls under this category.  There are four unexplained mysteries of life:

  1. The Yankees losing and losing badly.
  2. The true nature of God
  3. The mystery of Jack Lord’s hair. Behold the mystery of Jack Lord’s hair
  4. Why is CSI: Miami a hit?

There are many who believe that the true nature of God and the mystery of Jack Lord’s hair are related, but that is beyond the scope of this post.  Perhaps later, upon prayer, reflection and guided by the spirit of James MacArther I can devote more time to this subject.

Notes on the game:

Tonight was Mexican Cartel Night at Yankee Stadium.   All kids 14 and under were given a bag of cocaine with a street value of $500.  “The Yankees value their relationship with the Mexican Cartel” said the P.A. announcer, who was tragically killed in crossfire.

Celebrity watch:  Steve Martin was in attendance.   No doubt looking for his cat toys.  Boy I hate it when they go under the couch!

Sitting behind me at the game was a 10-year old kid who kept kicking my seat.  I asked him a couple times to stop but he didn’t.  So I grabbed him by his ankles and threw him onto the field.  His father was upset but he calmed down after I bought him a beer.

Beer.  Has there ever been a greater invention?  It solves all of life’s problems.

Curtis Granderson is the spokesman for Michell Obama’s “Let’s Move to Solve Childhood Obesity” program.  Unfortunately there is no program called “Let’s Move to Find Out Why Curtis Granderson Sucks!”‘

Worst heckle ever:

Some Yankee fan in the sixth inning took it upon himself to start a chant of “Defense!  Defense!  Defense!”

What?  I’m sorry.  Was Los Angeles lining up for a field goal? Was it 3rd and long?

This is the first time in three games a Yankee starter did not leave with an injury.  Still during the fifth inning a raven did land on Phil Hughes shoulder.  Ravens traditionally are associated with death which would explain why Yankee third base coach Rob Thomson exploded.  All that was left was his helmet and a stirrup.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia says “Lay off Chan Ho Park pal. He was great for us.”

Readers I apologize for D.B. He’s from Philly after all.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, NY writes “I killed one of my customers today.  Should I feel guilty?”

Only if you killed him before he paid you.  He probably deserved it anyway.

So far this year my record stands at a respectable but still disturbing 7 -4.  My next game is Monday August 2nd against the Toronto Blue Jays.

Go Yankees!



3 Responses

  1. KingShamus says:

    What about Nick Johnson? I desperately need to know when this bona-fide megastar will return.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Nick has been temporarily banished from the pages of Manhattan Infidel. I just couldn’t bring myself to report on the heartbreak and trauma that is mr. johnson.

    But if he’s not back by August I’ll open fire again.

  3. Matt says:

    I was kinda missing the latest report of Johnson’s demise. I understand though, it’s kinda mean to abuse someone that is so very, very, frail.

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