Recently I was touched to receive the following email from a young reader:

Dear Manhattan Infidel. I am eight years old.  Some of my friends say there is no Santa Claus.  Papa says “If you see it in Manhattan Infidel it is so.”  Please tell me the truth.  Is there a Santa Claus?  VIRGINIA O’HANLON  115 WEST 59TH STREET.

Well this letter had to be responded to.  I could not break the heart of an eight year old girl.  And so readers, here is my reply:

Virginia your little friends are wrong.  Not as wrong as the time they trusted that clown with the free candy.  But wrong nonetheless.  They have been infected with the skepticism of a skeptical age.  They do not believe unless they see.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.  No it is not the same Santa Claus less enlightened, more “Christian” generations believed to be Santa. For what exactly is “Santa”? Is he, as our racist forefathers believed, a fat jolly man who came once a year to give toys to boys and girls who weren’t Jewish?

No Virginia.  That is too horrible to imagine in our new America.  For our new Santa gives gifts 365 days a year.  Our new Santa gives free stuff to everybody regardless or race, creed or color.  (Assuming they make less than $200,000 a year.)

Our new Santa is the Federal government.  And  the Federal government does exist.  It exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist.  Devotion to the Federal government and its leader Barack Obama give to life its highest beauty and joy (assuming you make less than $200,000 a year.)

Alas how dreary the world would be if there were no Federal government or Barack Obama.  There would be no childlike faith, no poetry, no romance, no free stuff (assuming you make less than $200,000 a year) to make tolerable this existence.

Not believe in the Federal government?  You might as well not believe in fairies.  Nobody sees the Federal government, especially if they are dying in a Libyan embassy or freezing in Staten Island after their homes were destroyed by hurricane Sandy.  But that is no sign that the Federal government does not exist.  Did you ever see fairies dancing on a lawn?  Of course not because that would be a hate crime. But that is no proof that they are not there.  Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders and free stuff the Federal government holds (for those making less than $200,000 a year.)

Only faith in the Federal government and love for the federal government and all its free largesse can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernatural beauty and glory that is our government.  Is it all real?  Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding like the Federal government.

No Santa Claus?  Thank god he exists in the Federal government.  A thousand years from now, nay, ten thousand years from now, the Feds will continue to make glad the heart of Hispanics and others who make less than $200,000 a year with its free stuff.

Manhattan Infidel

P.S.

What the hell kind of name is “O’Hanlon”?  Are you Irish?  Then stay away from the booze kid.  It’s the curse of you people.

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Captain Joseph Merrill of the cargo ship Hanine pulled into port on a chilly December morning carrying a cargo full of love and devotion.

“You know, it’s the Christmas season and all that” said the captain.  “So if you’d like to know where I got the notion, that’s where I got the notion.”

Little did Captain Merrill suspect that Love and Devotion are considered controlled substances by Homeland Security.

His ship was detained and Merrill was arrested and brought to a Homeland Security holding cell.

They isolated me for 12 hours and kept asking me why I wanted to rock the boat?  Why did I want to tip it over?  I kept telling them I had no desire to rock the boat baby or tip the boat over.  It’s just that the cargo full of love and devotion thrilled me like the rush of the wind and held me safe from the rolling sea.  Homeland Security didn’t like that answer.  They beat me and asked me if I was a terrorist.  Or a Republican.

Between beatings I kept telling them that I was no terrorist but that my love is like a ship on the ocean and I enjoy sailing with a cargo full of love and devotion.

Merrill was charged with five counts of possession of a controlled substance and his cargo full of love and devotion was brought to a Homeland Security lab for analysis.

“We had no idea what was in the cargo full of love and devotion” said a Homeland officer.  “But we wanted to make sure it wasn’t a danger to the populace and that it contained no cigarettes or bibles.”

As Captain Merrill languished in his holding cell, convinced that he would be imprisoned for years he wrote a farewell letter to his wife:

My dearest:

I am currently under arrest for sailing with a cargo full of love and devotion.  I have no idea what the future holds for me or if I will ever see you again.  But let me say that up to now we’ve sailed through every storm and I’ve always had your tender lips to keep me warm.  Oh I need to have the strength that flows from you.  Don’t let me drift away my dear when love can see me through.  Oh, our love is like a ship on the ocean.  We’ve been sailing with a cargo full of love and devotion!

Eventually after Homeland Security found that the cargo full of love and devotion posed no threat to Americans Captain Merrill was released from custody.  However, his cargo was burned for safety’s sake.

“Screw it” said Merrill.  “Next year I’m sailing with a cargo full of arugula.  Or maybe computers.”

Note:   Manhattan Infidel wishes to apologize for this post.  He wishes to further apologize to those readers who will spend the rest of the day with the early 1970s hit Rock the Boat by the Hues Corporation stuck in their heads.

What can I say.  I’m evil.   And you’re lucky I didn’t decide to do a post on the Bay City Rollers.  S-a-t-u-r-d-a-y night……

Rock the Boat by the Hues Corporation

(544)

The life of a blogger can often be a lonely one.  Hours in front a computer.  Lack of companionship. Doubts as to whether one is making a difference.  All the while with one thought going through one’s mind:  Why haven’t my meds kicked in yet?  Did the dealer cheat me out of $2000?

That’s why I am excited and pleased to announce that I have signed a 3.7 million dollar book deal with Random House.  All I did was send them a 66-page proposal.  And they accepted!  They even called me a “rare literary talent.”

I don’t want to give away all the book but as a service to my readers I’d like to give you a “tease“, so to speak, of this magnificent book by a “rare literary talent.”  I smell Pulitzer!

Thirteen percent of my book will be dedicated to reproducing a diary I kept in 2010 that details what I ate.  Here is a taste (pun intended.)  God I’m so f*cking brilliant and witty.

January 12.  I ordered pizza.  God I feel fat.

January 13.  I ordered two large pizzas. God I feel fat.

February 25.  I ordered two large pizzas with extra cheese.  I dropped a slice on the floor but still ate it.  In my underwear.  I feel fat.

March 31.  Decided to eat something different.  Instead of pizza I ordered 75 chicken wings with extra hot sauce.  Thank god I’m writing this in my diary because one day people will want to know.

June 8.  I ordered three large cheese pizzas.  God I feel fat.

You see?  Wasn’t that fascinating?  Weren’t you pulled into the narrative?  Rare literary talent.  You bet your ass!

Some of it will be my thoughts and advice for men.  Let me give you a taste.  (No pun here.)  A goddamn rare literary talent such as myself doesn’t need puns.

I went to my first Men’s Action Coalition meeting when I was three. 

That sentence speaks volumes about my political consciousness and my desire to help men overcome the Matriarchy.

When I was nine I wrote a vow of celibacy.

The above sentence shows that even at an early age I was in charge of my own orgasm.

Once I had a order out pizza dinner party that was chronicled in the style section of the New York Times.

Funny thing about that.  I actually lied to the Times and said it was a vegan dinner party and they said sure we’d love to cover that it sounds leftist and I was all validated inside but then I realized that I hate vegan meals so I was like all conflicted and shit so I broke down and got pizza and then the reporter for the Times showed up and he was all like “What is this?” and I was all like “I feel so unvalidated” and he was all “I’m leaving” and I was all “This can’t be happening where’s my ice cream” and then I cried.

Once at poetry camp I saw my best friend King Shamus in a bikini.

I know what you’re saying.  Poetry camp?  Where can I sign up.  And Nipsey Russell was the greatest American poet ever.

Every ice pop I ate, every movie I watched, every Nipsey Russell-inspired poem I wrote was tinged with a fearful loss.

What can I say?  I’m a deep-thinking intellectual.

I will also be devoting a section in my book to my fear that I am developing a FUCA, or “Fat Upper C*ck Area.”  If you’ve ever had a FUCA you know it can be pretty, like you know, traumatizing.  Sometimes I eat lots of pizza to get my mind off my FUCA.

Note:  The blogger known as Manhattan Infidel has made all this up.  He does not in fact have a book deal.  He wrote this post to parody a pathetic nontalent.  Increasingly the blogger known as Manhattan Infidel finds it hard to live in a world where Lena Dunham gets a 3.7 million dollar book deal for having as much talent and personal appeal as an apple that’s been lying in the sun for two weeks and after being shit upon by a monkey.

For those of you who do not know Lena Dunham she did the annoying campaign commercial comparing voting for Obama to getting f*cked.   And here are some articles about the Fat Upper P*ssy Area’s book deal.  Let us all weep for America.

Seriously? Seriously? A book deal for this?

3.7 million? God is dead.

(531)

A draft of a proposed Army handbook to be distributed to soldiers in Afghanistan is proving to be very controversial.

“Americans traditionally are ignorant and closed-minded when it comes to other cultures” are the first words in the handbook.

Sitting at home watching TV and enjoying other implements of triumphalist America has deadened our soldiers to their first responsibility:  Sensitivity to other cultures.  For if we are sensitive they won’t hate us and be forced to blow themselves (and us) up.

Many of the confrontations with the noble, brave and loyal Afghans occur sadly because of a lack of empathy for Muslim and/or Afghan values resulting in non-cultural norm reactions from Afghan security forces such as shooting Americans in the back and/or shooting them in the back of the head.

The 75-page manual is part of a continuing effort by U.S. military high command to remain empathetic in the face of suicide bombings, shootings and/or stabbings by Afghans aggrieved by triumphalist American arrogance.

To foster displays of empathy and cross-cultural harmony, U.S. soldiers stationed in Afghanistan are urged to avoid the following topics of conversation:

• The role of women in society.

Americans are arrogant in their assumptions that women are equal partners and must be more sensitive to the traditional view that women can have their clitoris circumcised or their nose cut off if they engage in improper sex.

• Making derogatory comments about the Taliban 

Sure they want to return Afghanistan to the 9th century.  Sure  they harbored Bin Laden causing 9/11.   But are Americans any better? One word:  Halliburton, Dick Cheney and old white men.  Technically that was more than one word but you get the point:  Americans are evil.

• Criticism of pedophilia  

While many Americans view pedophilia as a private matter it is regrettably true that many in our army disapprove of a grown man having anal sex with a ten year old boy.  This must stop. Pedophilia is a cherished tradition in many Muslim cultures.

• Displays of Christianity 

Christianity is a racist and triumphalist religion.  So around Christmas time instead of wishing an Afghan colleague a “Merry Christmas” or even a “Happy Holidays” (too Jewish) why not pick up a Koran and read this book of peace?  After all, Jesus was a Muslim

While the new handbook is expected to meet with slight resistance at first, Army commanders are confident that it will be accepted and cherished as a source of sensitivity and cross-cultural engagement for decades to come.

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