Don’t get saucy with my butt!

Popular singing star Rick Springfield, best known for his ’80s hit “Jessie’s Girl” is on trial.  The charge? Causing “serious, permanent and disabling injury” to a woman with his buttocks.

Springfield states that during the concert in question his buttocks did indeed come into contact with Vicki Calcagno, from Liverpool, New York, but that any injury that his Australian buttcheeks might have done to the woman were incidental and did not warrant a lawsuit against him.

“That’s just the way we do things in Australia” said Sprinfield.

It’s how we say hello.  Many times in the outback I have greeted neighbors and strangers by thrusting my buttocks into their faces.  No one ever complained. When I smacked my butt onto this girl at the concert I was just trying to be friendly.

Despite Springfield’s assertions of innocence, full-on buttock assault has a long history in Rock music.

The first known buttock assault was recorded on February 12, 1956 when Elvis Presley knocked Ed Sullivan unconscious with his butt after an appearance on Sullivan’s Sunday night TV show.

“I was just trying to be polite” said a contrite Elvis after the incident.  “How was I to know the old man couldn’t take the full force of my Mississippi buttocks?”

From that point on buttock assault has been viewed in rock circles as a harmless diversion, like smoking pot, sleeping with an underage groupie, firing the drummer or murdering a tour manager.

The high point of buttock assault came during The Who’s 1982 tour of North America. Over 2000 fans reported being injured by Who Butt.  The story was hushed up after Who management paid off the victims. But a turning point had been reached.

“We have to stop injuring fans with our buttocks” declared Keith Richards at a closed door meeting or rock and roll royalty.

Sure I love knocking the occasional fan out with my butt. Who doesn’t? It’s the ultimate expression of power. But if we keep injuring thousands of fans with our butts soon we won’t have any fans left. And then what?  We’ll have no one to sing to except drug dealers.  And our cats. 

It was at this meeting that the so-called “Butt Harm Principles” were enumerated and put on paper.  Signed by all present it pledged to not harm any paying customers with one’s buttocks during a show.  All butt harming would in the future be confined to tour managers, roadies, red heads and men named Francis.

For thirty years the butt truce held. Not one fan was injured by a butt though there was a close call at a Pete Best concert when Pete slipped off the stage and his butt struck a fan.  Fortunately for rock and roll the fan accepted Pete’s apology.

“I was just trying to get some action” said Pete.  “I wasn’t trying to Butt Harm her.”

That is why the reports of Springfield injuring fans with his butt are so alarming.

“We cannot allow butt harming to return” said Eric Clapton.

We cannot go back to the dark days of the ’70s and ’80s.  Butt harming never.  No more! To keep the peace Rick Springfield must be sent back to Australia.

As of now the precarious buttock peace stands but there is tension in the ranks as Springfield has reportedly refused to adhere to the conditions of the truce.

In a related note New York State governor Andrew Cuomo has proposed a  “Rick Springfield Buttock Safe Act.”  Under the Safe Act Springfield will be prohibited from bringing his butt within 500 feet of a schoolyard.  When travelling in New York State his buttocks must be kept in separate location under lock and key.  At any time state officials will have the right to inspect Springfield’s butt to ensure compliance with the regulations.

Rick Springfield Threatens to ignite a Buttock Arms Race

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