To survive math must be living and breathing and progressive.

Here at the worldwide headquarters of the journalistic juggernaut that is Manhattan Infidel we strive to provide the latest news not covered by the MSM.  We also strive to better the lives of our readers.  Because a well-informed, sophisticated, knowledgeable reader will be forty percent less likely to call the police after I send them tasteful and artistic selfies.

And with this in mind I now present:  Math.  Math that is living and breathing, growing and progressive.

• Johnny has seven apples.  Billy has three apples.  This means that:

1. Johnny is selfish and should give Billy some of his apples.
2. If Johnny refuses to give Billy his excess apples Billy should get the Federal government involved.  It’s called “Economic patriotism.”
3. Johnny is obviously a capitalist pig.
4. I mean seriously. At a certain point you have to ask yourself if you already have enough apples.
5. Stop coddling Johnny already.  Have a SWAT team take him down.

• What is the Sine, Cosine and Tangent of 87?

1. These are value judgments.  As such they are racist.
2. I don’t know.  They skipped trigonometry in my feminist studies class.
3. I’ll ask the Asian kid
4. No seriously.  Those Asians are good at math.  Probably because they are predisposed to seek order.
5. Mao Tse Tung was the greatest force for equality and socialism the world has ever seen. Do you think he cared about math? He didn’t.

• Please provide the multiplication tables for the numbers one through twenty.

1. Has this question been cleared with the People’s Party Central Headquarters?
2. Because I ain’t answering any question unless it’s been tested and shown to increase my awareness of the class struggle
3. Why is 20 more than one?  Shouldn’t all numbers be equal?
4. Zhou Enlai knew the multiplication tables. But only because he was using the weapons of the bourgeoisie against them.
5. Multiplication tables are incompatible with the progress of socialism in modern times.

• Solve the inequality and graph the solution:  2(z-3) <6

1. I’ll tell you what will solve the inequality:  Have the rich pay higher taxes!
2. If we redistribute the (z-3) will this bring about the socialist worker’s paradise?
3. Your obsession with facts betrays your devotion to the patriarchy!
4. Math along with militarism, the bourgeoisie, bureaucrats, inequality between men and women, obstinate ideas, obsolete morals and old ethics should be abolished or reformed.
5. Solving inequality is as simple as admitting 2 +2 =4.  Once that has been granted all else follows.

• Barbie believes Math is hard.

1. Her mind has been warped by the patriarchy.
2. As a woman Barbie is oppressed and her natural superior intellect has been stunted by exposure to men.
3. Perhaps if Barbie stopped befouling her body with Penis in Vagina sex she would see the absurdity of math.
4. Barbie is too busy preparing for her sorority’s SlutWalk to care about the white man’s math.
5. The only way for Barbie to free herself from the fascism of math is to become a lesbian.

Please email your answers to webmaster@manhattaninfidel.com.  Those whose answers betray the cultural awakening of socialism will be turned into their local party headquarters for reeducation.

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