Life as we know it is over!

With the shutdown of our benevolent Government dragging into its second week and no end in sight I thought it would be good for my readers if I created a handy guide to surviving this apocalyptic event.

After all, why shouldn’t my readers benefit from my wisdom? And yes the phrase “benefit from my wisdom” does legally include and any all dick photos I may choose to send.

•  Why is our benevolent government, the government I am dependent on and have always considered a great white father figure, shut down?

Republicans are evil people and Donald Trump is Satan. 

• I know that already. But why is Satan in the White House totally shutting down our benevolent government that in so many ways is a second father to me?

The Great Satan in the White House wants to build a wall to keep brown people out of the United States. 

• Wow. The Great Satan in the White House is such an evil racist!

He makes me sick to my stomach. Walls are always wrong and should never be built. Except where I live of course but that’s only because I want to keep the brown drug dealers out. But that’s just common sense.

• Um. Didn’t you just say walls should never be built?

It’s okay when I do it. I’m a Democrat.

• I’m worried that with the government shut down I won’t get free stuff from them.  I depend on the government, who is like a second father to me, to give me free stuff.

This is a valid concern. Our Federal government is the kindest, gentlest, most benevolent institution that ever existed. We as Americans should get down on our  knees every day and thank the Feds for making us dependent upon them. For that is true benevolence and freedom.

• I agree with you 100 percent!

And I agree that you should agree with me. For agreeing to be dependent on the Federal government is kind and compassionate. It is what Jesus would have wanted.

• Really?

When he said “I am the way the truth and the life” what do you think he was referring to? He was talking about our Federal government. You shall have no other god but the Federal government.

• Back to the shutdown. What exactly will be closed? I heard this is only a partial shutdown.

Technically yes it is a partial shutdown. But the body of our Government has still been wounded by Satan in the White House. And when the body of our government is wounded, we who are subjects of the Government, share in the pain.

• But what specifically will be shut down?  Will I be able to visit national parks?

No they will be shut down. But you should never visit those anyway. Don’t you know that trees frighten black people and remind them of lynching?  We must cut down every tree in America.

• You have me convinced. I am going to cut down every tree I see. I will do it to thwart Satan in the White House’s agenda.

You are a noble person.

• Thank you. One more  thing. What can I do to ensure that our benevolent Government is never shut down again?

Kill Republicans. They are evil. I, as an elite, believe this to be so and it makes me feel better about myself.

There you have it readers. Now don’t you feel sorry that our Government is shut down?  You should!  Life as we know it may end without Government subsidies.

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