Freedom fighter and animal killer

Famous Rebel Alliance fighter Luke Skywalker may have more than Imperial Stormtroopers to worry about after animal rights activists sued him for killing a tauntaun and sleeping inside it.

“Some hero” said the leader of “People Opposed to Cutting Open Tauntauns” said when instituting the lawsuit.

Tauntauns are our friends and companions on this journey through life. The relationship between a tauntaun and one of us is sacred. It’s as sacred as the relationship between a community organizer and socialism or the relationship between the Democratic party and the press. I don’t care how many so-called “Death Stars” he’s destroyed. I don’t care if he is fighting the Empire. There is right and there is wrong. Luke violated the sacred trust between our species. Who knows if tauntaun’s can communicate with each other but since Skywalker committed this travesty my tauntaun keeps pooping in my shoes and farting on me. This can’t be just a coincidence. Skywalker’s actions have put us on the verge of a war with the tauntauns!

When informed of the lawsuit Skywalker became indignant.

“This is a nuisance lawsuit” said the destroyer of Death Stars and tauntauns.

Do you know how cold it gets at night on Hoth? It can reach 60 degrees below zero. I had just battled a wampa and was very cold and confused. No doubt I was suffering from a mild form of hypothermia. I wasn’t on that planet sight seeing. It was part of the mission to destroy the Empire. It was necessary for the war effort. I am necessary for the war effort. And let me just say the experience wasn’t all that great for me. No matter how much I shower I’ve never been able to get the “I’ve just been inside a dead animal” smell off me. I’m Luke freaking Skywalker, war hero. I should be getting p*ssy right and left. But now the only one that will touch me is Chewbacca. He likes to take showers with me, which is kind of cool since I also get to use him as a towel. Anyway I’m just lucky my good friend Hans Solo was there to cut the tauntaun open and shove me inside.

When informed of Skywalker’s comments, Solo tried to distance himself from the situation.

Hey look I’m not his good friend. I barely know the guy. We are political allies that’s all. Yeah I cut open the tauntaun and put Skywalker inside but in my defense the tauntaun was already dead. Besides if I had let Skywalker die Princess Leia was never going to give me any action. I’ve wanted to do her ever since I saw her in that metal bikini. So just don’t sue me too!

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A tauntaun uprising has begun on Hoth with reports of a rash of incidents of tauntauns pooping on light sabers and vomiting in the shoes of Rebel Alliance fighters.

“War is hell” said Obi-Wan Kenobi.

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