This past week one of the groundbreaking characters in children’s television retired. I of course and referring to Big Bird. I had the pleasure to sit down with him to talk about his career.
MI: Good afternoon Big Bird.
BB: Pleasure to be here.
MI: Wow. Where to begin. Generations of children have grown up watching you. Families watch you. It must be quite the honor to be so important to so many generations.
BB: It is an honor. I’m very humbled.
MI: What will you miss most about being Big Bird?
BB: I’d have to say the sex.
MI: Um. What?
BB: I said I’m going to miss the sex. All of it. All of the promiscuous sex. Every day.
MI: Um.
BB: I tell you Trump was right. When you’re famous you can just grab ’em by the pussy and they’ll let you do it.
MI: I see.
BB: I lived the rock and roll lifestyle. So many groupies. So much anonymous sex.
MI: Can we talk about –
BB: I used to have sex on the set. Between takes I’d go to my dressing room with a MILF. Oh the passion. MILF’s have a lot of pent up sexual energy to release. Sometimes I’d barely be able to finish a take because my knees would be so weak from the BJs I was getting in my dressing room.
MI: Okay. This wasn’t what I was expecting you to talk about.
BB: Did I tell you about the time I was shooting up with Eric Clapton? There we were, needles dangling out of our arms and he says “Hey, you want to share George Harrison’s wife?” Yeah I said. That sounds like a great idea. So she comes over. I tell you we passed her back and forth like a bag of potato chips.
MI: I’d like to change the subject.
BB: You know I had Tiffany and Debbie Gibson at the same time. They were both underage so I couldn’t brag about it. Not in public anyway. But yeah. I had them both. Tiffany was better with her mouth but Debbie had that sweet, sweet ass.
MI: Okay I’m getting very uncomfortable here.
BB: You would think with all this sex I’d get a lot of venereal diseases. But only a few. I remember one time I had to travel to Europe to get my penis industrially steam cleaned. I was gone from Sesame Street for a couple weeks. They told the public I was on a personal journey of enlightenment. Really it was all about de-cruding my penis.
MI: I really should go.
BB: I was into trannies before they were cool. I pride myself on that.
MI: I really really have to go. I have to take a long hot shower. With bleach.
[Manhattan Infidel runs away]
BB: Jeesh. What a prude.
I guess we really don’t know what our heroes are like when the camera is off.
(50)
Infidel, that was most disturbing. But hey, Sesame Street for ya.
Disturbing people is what I do best.