White man speak with forked tongue

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ (the most trusted name in made up shit) I have the pleasure of interviewing none other than Massachusetts senator and potential 2020 presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren.

MI: Good afternoon Senator Warren.

[Warren begins to dance in a circle]

MI: Um. Senator Warren?

EW: Silence. The forked tongue speak of the white man is not allowed during this sacred ritual.

MI: Sacred ritual?

EW: Yes. I am performing a ghost dance. It’s a sacred ritual of my people.

MI: Your people?

EW: Native Americans you ignorant foreigner!  Jesus look at my cheekbones. See how high they are? My people have high cheekbones.

MI:  I see. 

[Warren continues her ghost dance]

MI: So tell me about this dance? What did you call it?

EW: It’s a ghost dance.  The proper practice of the Ghost Dance will reunite the living with spirits of the dead, bring the spirits to fight on their behalf, make the white colonists leave, and bring peace, prosperity, and unity to Native American peoples.

MI: Make the white colonists leave?

EW: Yes. the whites will leave our sacred land and my peoples can return to their ancient ways and hunt buffalo.

MI: Well if the white colonists leave doesn’t that mean you’ll have to leave as well?

[Warren continues Ghost Dancing]

EW:  I do not listen to the words of the white man. White man speak with forked tongue.

MI: Stop with the forked tongue shit. You’re white. Admit it. Nothing wrong with being white.

EW: I am Cherokee.

MI: Bullshit. Your DNA test showed you were 1/1024th native American. You’re so white Joanna Gaines uses you as backsplash in her designs.

EW: White man speak with forked –

MI: Not buying it.

EW: You are banned from all my casinos.

MI: Casinos?

EW: Yes. Another ancient and sacred tradition of my people.

MI: You don’t know anything about native Americans do you?

EW: Shine, shine, shine ’em up fine/Shine ’em up fine for a dime!/Shine, shine, shine ’em up fine/Shine ’em up fine for a dime!/My baby needs a new pair of shoes!/Come on, you seven! Roll you ‘leven!

MI: Not buying it.

EW: Do you have a canoe I can borrow? I can paddle down a polluted stream and cry. 

MI: You know that was an actor. He was Italian-American whose real name was Espera Oscar de Corti.

EW: Italian-American?

MI: ‘Fraid so.

EW: Goddamn it. I thought I was the first one to do this native American scam shit.

MI: Sorry. It’s been done before.

EW: Well what the hell am I going to do now?

MI: Rip off another race?

EW: That’s it!  From now on I am Hispanic. Elizabeth Warrenitez, proud 100 percent Puerto Rican. Or Dominican. Depends on who has more living in Massachusetts.

MI: Right. I’m out of here.

EW: Or Canadian. I shall be known as Elizabeth Bubble. You know like the singer.

MI:Goodbye.

EW: Wait. Australian!  If Mel Gibson can pretend to be Australian I can pull it off too!

And so ended my interview with the proud and fierce native American warrior.

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