Superman Fined in NYC!

Such toxic masculinity!











Rush hour commuters in New York City were thrown for a loop when the car they were riding in was hurtled into orbit by the alt-right vigilante known as Superman.

“I was just trying to get to the Yankee game” said one commuter.

And the next thing I knew the car was in orbit and we were looking at the International Space Station. I was a little confused.  Of course that might have been from the bone chilling cold and lack of oxygen from outer space when Superman comes up to the car and says “Sorry guys. My bad!” and brings us back down to New York. I know our subway system sucks but being thrown into space made me miss the game. I have a mind to sue Superman. What a jerk.

Another commuter, a disabled black Muslim transsexual saw it as a sign of the racism that is once again emerging under President Donald Trump.

“This Superman fellow. What is he?”  Z/she said.

I’ll tell you what he is. He’s a binary white male. A binary white male with muscles, bitches! This white boy just goes and throws us into space without even apologizing for his slavery, genocide and colonialism. I haven’t seen such toxic masculinity since I watched those Twilight movies. I want an apology. I want an apology from Superman. I want an apology from the City.  I deserve it. I’m a victim!

A tourist group from Aberdeen, Maryland met a tragic fate.

“They must have thought it was a publicity stunt” said an eyewitness.

They decided to open the subway door and shake Superman’s hand. I told them that I didn’t think that was a good idea but they wouldn’t listen to me. You know how stubborn people from Maryland can be. Anyway they were all sucked out into space. And then they exploded. The car windows were covered in Maryland people pulp. It looked like crab meat, which is kind of appropriate if you think about it.

Superman was given a desk ticket and released by NYPD officers.

“This is New York, where anything happens” said a policeman.

My partner says “Hey, there’s Superman and he’s carrying a subway car.” I was like “Freaking tourist calling attention to himself.”  And my partner said “Have you met your quota this month” and I said no. So I gave him a ticket. Now I’ve met my quota. This will put me in good with the sarge.

As for Superman, he maintains it was all just a misunderstanding.

I was trying to enter the car and the doors shut on me. I may be the man of steel but those doors still hurt. So I guess I lost my temper and flung it into space. But hey I brought it back no harm no foul. Well, except for the Marylanders. But I don’t like them anyway.

Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill DeBlasio) has promised a crackdown on incidents like this in the future.

“There is no room for Superman and his toxic conservative values in New York City. I think. I’m rarely in the city myself. Too much crime and real estate is so damn expensive.”


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