Tread lightly. I can kill you all with my hands

Divers to the wreck of the Titanic have discovered shocking new evidence that changes prevalent theories as to what actually sank the doomed ship.

“What we found down there frightened and disgusted us.” said a dive member.

Before we all thought it was an iceberg. Granted they did hit an iceberg but we now believe that the ship would have continued sailing if it weren’t for Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. That’s right. The time-travelling evil rapist used the power of his mind to punch holes in the side of the ship. We have the evidence. Needless to say this changes everything. I no longer trust my senses. I no longer trust time. I no longer even believe in God. For would a just and benevolent God have allowed Brett Kavanaugh to commit this travesty?

The dive team leader explains the moment that changed all their lives forever.

We were exploring the ship not expecting to find anything new when we came upon a keg of beer in one of the luxury quarters. That in and of itself isn’t unusual but when we looked closer we found a note taped to it. We brought it back to our ship and dried it out and examined it. The note said “To any future divers to this wreck:  I, Brett Kavanaugh, brutal rapist and Supreme Court Justice traveled back in time from the year 2018 and sunk the Titanic. I did this because I’ve grown bored with raping women and need a bigger challenge. What better way to challenge myself than killing 1,500 people at the same time? Oh, and if anyone asks Dianne Feinstein is a communist spy. Your truly Brett ‘I like beer’ Kavanaugh.” We thought it might have been a prank but Kavanaugh included a videotape with the letter. It shows lightning beams coming out of his eyes as he punches holes in the side of the ship. He then laughed as the ship started to sink and people drowned. At one point it shows him playing electric guitar with the Titanic band.

Needless to say Kavanaugh’s note and video have led to disastrous consequences for the ill-fated dive team.

Once the government found out about our findings they quarantined us in the ship and won’t let us talk to anyone. “Nothing personal” one of the government agents said.  “But we can’t let this knowledge leave this ship.”  I just want to hold my wife one more time and tell her I love her. I just want to hold my newborn daughter’s hand one more time. I think they are going to kill us! Is these no evil that the dirty rat bastard Brett Kavanaugh won’t do in his mad lust for violence and destruction?

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An accident aboard a research vessel has resulted in the deaths of the entire dive team.

“It was a tragic depressurization accident” said a government source.

“Unfortunately the diving bell was crushed beyond recognition and we won’t be able to recover the bodies.”

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