Tread lightly. I can kill you all with my hands

Shocking new evidence has recently been unearthed that explains why the feminist senator Ted Kennedy waited 10 hours to report the accident at Chappaquiddick: He wasn’t in the car!

“I have held my peace for almost 50 years” said a member of Chappaquiddick Island’s first responder team that found the submerged vehicle.

Ted Kennedy is innocent. I know. I dived into the murky pond and what I saw when I was in the car chilled me to the bones!  Mary Jo Kopechne was still alive. She was holding her breath but was desperately in need of oxygen. Beside her in the backseat of the overturned car was Brett Kavanaugh! He had on a wet suit and he had another oxygen tank in his hand. Poor Mary Jo was motioning to it but he sadistically kept it out of her reach. She was drowning and he let it happen.  You know the Johnny Cash song “I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die?” It was something like that. Brett Kavanaugh purposely drove the car off the bridge because he wanted to watch a young women die!

When asked how he knew it was Kavanaugh he responded “Because there was a keg of beer in the back seat next to him.”

I probably should have tried harder to save Mary Jo’s life. But every time I tried to grab her and get her out of the car Kavanaugh put his hands over my mouth and stifled my underwater screams. I felt frightened and retreated to the bridge. A short while later (I guess Mary Jo had passed away at this point) Kavanaugh came out of the car and approached me. “You didn’t see nothing, capish?” I said “Mr. Kavanaugh I am duty bound to report what I saw.”  That’s when he told me that he and his fraternity buddies would train rape me. So I shut up.

Frightened for his life, the first responder returned home, where he was visited that night by Kavanaugh.

One of his fraternity pals held a knife to my throat and Kavanaugh told me that this was going to be the cover story:  He never saw me and that it was Ted Kennedy’s car and he drove it off the bridge! I told him that no one would believe that. “Ted Kennedy is a liberal. And a feminist. He respects women. He would never leave one to die in a submerged vehicle.”  Kavanaugh just laughed and said “Do as you’re told and your family won’t be hurt.” I wanted to protect them so I agreed. But I’ve always felt shame for not coming forward. I’ve wanted to tell the truth for 50 years!  And the events of the past couple weeks have finally encouraged me to do so.  Brett Kavanaugh is a monster who killed Mary Jo Kopechne!  He started the Republican war on women! Ted Kennedy is innocent and it’s a shame how much he had to suffer because of this false accusation during his lifetime!

When contacted about these claims Kavanaugh denied everything, showing off the volatile temperament his is famous for.

“I was four goddamn years old at the time!”

Senator Dianne Feinstein has asked that a special prosecutor be assigned to look into the allegations.

“I find the first responder’s story credible. And I did not pay him to make it up. Technically it was my husband. I mean the Chinese spy working for me.”

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